It's Saturday night, the kids are all home and doing various things (watching movies, playing video games) and I have the tv on in my room, although it's a repeat of an episode I have seen. Eric is at work, Cliff just got off and is headed to a movie with a friend (another of our "orphans" down here), and it's so nice to have things peaceful. Reimond is headed to the bowling alley for 11:30 tonight to go to a lock-in there in honor of a friend's 13th birthday (who wouldn't want a night of free bowling, food, and sodas!), so I hope he's resting a little. I had started thawing pork chops for dinner, but they weren't ready to cook, so I gave in and ordered Pizza Hut... The Chocolate Strips aren't too bad, but I think I prefer the cinnamon-sugar ones myself.
Patrick and Aurora got 3 ball bowling bags today, a christmas gift from the grandparents (Eric's parents and my mom). They were quite happy to have them arrive--we ordered them last Saturday and they came in this week. Aurora bowled in an invitational tournament today and did quite well (high school team). She seemed satisfied anyhow! Brianne went out last night for her first time "clubbing"--went to an 18+ club with some friends for linedancing and entertainment. She got in just after 4 am as one of the girls she was with "passed out" after they left the club and they took her to the emergency room. She says there was no alcohol involved, the girl just said she felt light headed and dizzy and overheated, and then she keeled over. When I talked to one of her family members today at the bowling alley I was told she's fine. Probably just got overheated.
I've been pretty lazy today myself, other than running kids around. I did a few chores, but I also sat and read a novel I have been wanting to read by a writer formerly from Minneapolis, Tami Hoag. She writes suspense/murder mysteries, and her earlier works, of which this was one, take place in Minneapolis. It was really fun to read about familiar sights and places, even if it was a work of fiction. I haven't been missing the cold of "home"--my sister, my mom, my daughter, and my daughter-in-law all were telling me about how it had been -27 degrees there, real temp, with wind chills in the -50's; makes my -2 and windchills in the -teens seem like summer! I definitely don't miss the cold. When I spoke to Justin today I told him I couldn't come visit him for awhile yet, but maybe I could come in the spring when it is warmer. He told me I could come now, "just put on your coat and hat Gram!" Smart little cookie!
Andrea was telling me that they had another scan done on my granddaughter's kidney (she was born with only one), as there has been concern about it's functioning since she was born (six weeks premature and weighing only 3# 8oz.). She has vesicoureteral reflux (essentially, when her bladder is full the urine backs up the ureter and into her kidney, putting her at great risk for kidney infections, hence her being on daily antibiotics to prevent them see http://www.drgreene.org/body.cfm?id=21&action=detail&ref=1218). When they first diagnosed it they put it at a 2-3 in terms of severity, and hoped she might outgrow it as her body grows. At her follow up scan recently the nephrologist who saw her thought that it was greater than a three, and would probably require surgical intervention in the near future. I told them that if she needed surgery I would plan a trip up to MN to be with them because she will need to stay in the hospital. While for most kids it would be an outpatient procedure, because she only has one kidney they need to watch her more closely afterwards and will have to keep her at least overnight. Alexis is so funny these days. I talked to her on the phone as well, and she babbled at me nonstop, and even cried when Justin took a turn on the phone. I miss those babies something fierce. Andrea said they were talking about me today and even looking at a map; Justin accepts that I live far-far-away and pointed to the middle of Montana as being where I now lived. He reminded me on the phone that I got married and moved away from him, but that he has a big house and lots of room for my to stay there too--I can even sleep in his car bed with him.
Eric's ex is making the trip here to see the kids on Monday as there is no school (and it's one of "her" holidays according to the visitation schedule). I hope they have a nice visit. It is certainly impetus for me to do the housework--I prefer to have the main floor at least spotless when she is here. She might not care, but I do. Finals are over and the new semester starts on Tuesday. Rei passed all his classes (at least that's how it looked when I checked last--he still had a final not recorded). Aurora did very well, as expected. Patrick, unfortunately, struggled and it's gonna take an awful lot of work if he hopes to graduate in May. His quarter grades were not good, and it will negatively affect his semester credits. We had a long talk with him on Friday night and did some brainstorming on what his options might be (based primarily on info from when we met with the counselor and his teachers about 6 weeks ago). He understands we will aid him as we can, but the onus is on him to do his homework, be sure things are getting turned in, and that he is following through with what he says. Brianne made a token effort at getting registered for classes for spring semester, and will hopefully still be able to register next week (she needs a confirmation letter that the National Guard will be helping to pay for her classes). Cliff too is working on getting his ducks in a row for financial aid so that he too can register. We have our fingers crossed that it all works out.
Eric leaves for Arkansas a week from tomorrow. Luckily for us this coming week is his "short week", so we'll have some time together before he leaves. There is a possibility he may come home on the weekends as another person in his group is tentatively planning to drive back and forth, so he could help with driving/share expenses, but it's not for sure. I'm not getting my hopes up, but will take what I get. The kids seem content that just I will be here, and I'm sure we'll manage just fine.
Anyhow, that's what's new around here on this chilly saturday evening. I am grateful for the peace and quiet!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
"I not ready yet"...
I bought this devotional book called "A Cup of Comfort Devotional for Women" because I was looking for something to add into my daily routine and I had been missing reading something that applied scripture lessons to daily life. The statement in my headline came from the title of the message dated January 11, and was followed by this Bible verse: "I am holding you by your right hand--I the LORD your God. And I say to you, 'Do not be afraid. I am here to help you.' " Isaiah 41:13. I have been pondering on this since I read it. The remaining story referred to the writer's grandson, who kept saying he wasn't ready to ride a brand new two-wheel bicycle yet, but he would be, "maybe next Monday," and how just as her son would walk by his child until he was ready to do it on his own, so too our Heavenly Father walks beside us and supports us until we too can do it on our own.
This has been resonating with me in part because as we have dealt with the struggles of the past few weeks, my opening up myself here in this blog has reminded me how many people truly do walk with me in my life, regardless of the miles between us. I have days I feel so isolated and alone, but the reality is I am never alone. I have my faith, which sustains me in all things, and I have people I can reach out to for support, advice, nurturance, and tough love. I feel very blessed in this, and it allows me to move forward, confident that even if I fall on my face sometimes, there will always be someone to help pick me back up, dust me off, and support my efforts to try again. I got a wonderful email from my father-in-law today about parenting and it brought a smile to my face because it is so very true. He, as well as my good friend Cindy, reminded me that the hardest part of parenting is allowing our children to fall, so that they can learn from their mistakes and move forward. I know that it's true--especially when it's someone else's kid--but it's so much harder to do when it's your own... (and I do count all of these kids "my own"). Perspective is a wonderful (if selective at times) thing!
It has also been pointed out to me that I have been fairly isolated of late; being down a vehicle with multiple drivers has made getting out of the house a chore at times, and my ventures into the world at large primarily consist of taxiing the kids to and from their activities. I did step out of my comfort zone and into the kitchen at church on Sunday, where I did the dishes after our monthly pot-luck, and listened in on the stories of people I don't know and engaged in casual conversation (I often find myself at a loss with small talk, but I am a good listener). I was the only woman in my age group there (the rest could have been my mother, or even grandmother in a few cases), but it's a start. I have been looking at job listings again and am mentally girding my loins to look into federal jobs again, hopefully at Scott AFB... There has to be something out there I can do, preferably with morning/weekday hours so that I can be here in the afternoons/evenings so as to not conflict too badly with Eric's schedule or the kids' needs... I'm praying that the "perfect" job is out there somewhere for me. At 46 years old, I have that duality of being both over- and under-qualified for so many things... I'm not giving up hope yet! I am going to look into volunteer opportunities, and I have noted down the date and time of the Southern IL Artisan's Guild Meeting, along with the dates and times some of their specialty groups meet. That might be a good outlet for me as well.
The important thing is that I'm not closing doors, or closing myself off. I know one of my faults is that I tend to coccoon myself off when I am feeling hurt, stressed, or overwhelmed (I call it the "turtle syndrome"--I pull myself into my shell and stay there until the storm passes), but it isn't helpful for me to do that on a long-term basis. That's partially why I am so grateful for those of you who know me well--and that you took the time to remind me that I need to keep reaching out and not hiding away. Thank you for your love and support! Honestly, things are slowly getting better, and I have regained some perspective again. I feel well loved and much blessed.
This has been resonating with me in part because as we have dealt with the struggles of the past few weeks, my opening up myself here in this blog has reminded me how many people truly do walk with me in my life, regardless of the miles between us. I have days I feel so isolated and alone, but the reality is I am never alone. I have my faith, which sustains me in all things, and I have people I can reach out to for support, advice, nurturance, and tough love. I feel very blessed in this, and it allows me to move forward, confident that even if I fall on my face sometimes, there will always be someone to help pick me back up, dust me off, and support my efforts to try again. I got a wonderful email from my father-in-law today about parenting and it brought a smile to my face because it is so very true. He, as well as my good friend Cindy, reminded me that the hardest part of parenting is allowing our children to fall, so that they can learn from their mistakes and move forward. I know that it's true--especially when it's someone else's kid--but it's so much harder to do when it's your own... (and I do count all of these kids "my own"). Perspective is a wonderful (if selective at times) thing!
It has also been pointed out to me that I have been fairly isolated of late; being down a vehicle with multiple drivers has made getting out of the house a chore at times, and my ventures into the world at large primarily consist of taxiing the kids to and from their activities. I did step out of my comfort zone and into the kitchen at church on Sunday, where I did the dishes after our monthly pot-luck, and listened in on the stories of people I don't know and engaged in casual conversation (I often find myself at a loss with small talk, but I am a good listener). I was the only woman in my age group there (the rest could have been my mother, or even grandmother in a few cases), but it's a start. I have been looking at job listings again and am mentally girding my loins to look into federal jobs again, hopefully at Scott AFB... There has to be something out there I can do, preferably with morning/weekday hours so that I can be here in the afternoons/evenings so as to not conflict too badly with Eric's schedule or the kids' needs... I'm praying that the "perfect" job is out there somewhere for me. At 46 years old, I have that duality of being both over- and under-qualified for so many things... I'm not giving up hope yet! I am going to look into volunteer opportunities, and I have noted down the date and time of the Southern IL Artisan's Guild Meeting, along with the dates and times some of their specialty groups meet. That might be a good outlet for me as well.
The important thing is that I'm not closing doors, or closing myself off. I know one of my faults is that I tend to coccoon myself off when I am feeling hurt, stressed, or overwhelmed (I call it the "turtle syndrome"--I pull myself into my shell and stay there until the storm passes), but it isn't helpful for me to do that on a long-term basis. That's partially why I am so grateful for those of you who know me well--and that you took the time to remind me that I need to keep reaching out and not hiding away. Thank you for your love and support! Honestly, things are slowly getting better, and I have regained some perspective again. I feel well loved and much blessed.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
The calm after the storm
I want to thank everyone for their words of comfort, support, grounding, and even a much needed kick in the hind end after my post yesterday. It has been much appreciated, and it helps alot to feel loved and cared about. Things are better today: the air has been cleared in a few places, and in others the turbulence is back to where it belongs and is being contained. Stress over finals is being managed, kids are getting back into their routines, and the sun is shining, at least for now both in reality and metaphorically.
I just got a call from the shop and my van needs $400 worth of exhaust work, along with a quick fix on the shifter in the steering column (it's been dangerously loose and I have been worried about it slipping out of gear). It's do-able, and I will soon have my own vehicle back on the road. Thank God! We had heard it might be as much as $1000 dependent on what needed replacement, so the news is good! (It's seriously not worth putting a grand into fixing it--we'd be better off spending that on another beater!). They said it would be ready to pick up later today. I will be mobile again! Here's to hoping gas prices stay reasonable so that it's worth having it out and about!
Eric had a PT test last night prior to starting his shift: he did (if I remember correctly) 47 push ups in 42 seconds, and 50 sit ups in just over 60 seconds, not bad for a 41 year old... He says he won't be happy if it takes him the maximum 11 minutes to run a mile (heeheehee). He is preparing to head for his federal police academy training in just a bit under 2 weeks, and is also working hard to be sure I have everything I need before he goes. He's such a good man! He works yet tonight, then has a couple of days off. I hope we can squeeze in a date night somewhere in there. We did go out with another couple on Saturday night, which was fun, but we need some "us" time too. That has been few and far between of late with all that has been going on.
Anyhow, thanks again for all the support. I do appreciate it and it has helped alot! As my friends have said, this too shall pass and we'll look back on it and smile (I hope).
I just got a call from the shop and my van needs $400 worth of exhaust work, along with a quick fix on the shifter in the steering column (it's been dangerously loose and I have been worried about it slipping out of gear). It's do-able, and I will soon have my own vehicle back on the road. Thank God! We had heard it might be as much as $1000 dependent on what needed replacement, so the news is good! (It's seriously not worth putting a grand into fixing it--we'd be better off spending that on another beater!). They said it would be ready to pick up later today. I will be mobile again! Here's to hoping gas prices stay reasonable so that it's worth having it out and about!
Eric had a PT test last night prior to starting his shift: he did (if I remember correctly) 47 push ups in 42 seconds, and 50 sit ups in just over 60 seconds, not bad for a 41 year old... He says he won't be happy if it takes him the maximum 11 minutes to run a mile (heeheehee). He is preparing to head for his federal police academy training in just a bit under 2 weeks, and is also working hard to be sure I have everything I need before he goes. He's such a good man! He works yet tonight, then has a couple of days off. I hope we can squeeze in a date night somewhere in there. We did go out with another couple on Saturday night, which was fun, but we need some "us" time too. That has been few and far between of late with all that has been going on.
Anyhow, thanks again for all the support. I do appreciate it and it has helped alot! As my friends have said, this too shall pass and we'll look back on it and smile (I hope).
Monday, January 12, 2009
So very weary and heartsick over so much...
It has been the weekend from hell around here again. Teen drama, egocentrism, thoughtless comments and words, arguements, indirect and direct anger, angst... I feel drained and have nothing left over right now. I have spread myself so thinly I don't even know where to start to try and regroup... I am going to be intentionally vague on some things, because they are not my things to share, yet they are impacting and negatively affecting the entire family and I am at a loss right now...
Drama: does it ever end? Everyone seems to think they are in the right, are the innocent victims of unfair directives ("finals are this week; do you have your study guides completed? your projects completed? have you reviewed/written/read up on whatever you need to be working on?"). We had one child stay home "ill" on friday to WRITE, from start, a 20 page english project that was assigned before winter break (and if we had known details of, could have made into a really fun and well-done project), but no, it was "almost done", "worked on", "just needs a little bit more on..." all the way til friday morning, and then we discover "oops, not even really started yet" and the writer was "ill" over it. It got haphazardly written, and was turned in a half hour after deadline, not as complete or detailed as it should have been, and now we are unsure (because it missed the 3pm deadline) if it will get any credit at all... Today a different child was "ill" (read nauseous) because "oops, I didn't complete any of my study guides because I was so stressed and tired and overwhelmed all weekend (and didn't do any homework)" and says if they aren't done it will blow whatever chances there might be of passing... So that child is home today and grounded from all activities until finals are done (other than church or other family sanctioned activities)...
Nerves are frayed, and everyone is slamming into everyone else's last exposed nerve, sometimes innocently, sometimes deliberately. Tempers are flaring, tears are flowing, and everyone is apparently the victim and not the aggressor ("s/he made me mad; s/he is at fault--how dare it be said..."). And entitlement: "can we use the car to run to A (and then go to B and C and D--but we have no money for gas--oh and by the way, could I have $5 for xyz... What do you mean no? You are soooooo unfair!"). And it isn't just here: the kids in Minneapolis are dealing with their own struggles and heartaches, and I am too far away to do more than listen and offer love and support. I feel so stressed out right now! Limits are being tested, and while we are holding firm to structure and limits, accountability, and love, it feels like Eric and I are just trying to contain a leaky dam with scotch tape... It is feeling bigger than both of us right now. The worst part is that it's felt like this for almost 2 weeks now. That's how long some of these tensions have been building (or in some cases, playing out). I am just so very tired of yelling, sarcasm, rudeness, dirty looks exchanged, brooding, provocative statements, and slamming doors. It makes me look back fondly at the days of unit shutdowns at the center, where kids were either in their rooms separately and doing constant writing assignments OR were in community meetings taking accountability for their actions/decisions/behaviors and making plans for improving community functioning. While some of those skills *might* be effective here, with it being only Eric and trying to mediate it, I doubt much would come out of them. We are not, after all, a locked unit here... God knows I have been dreaming of working at the treatment center again daily though, or of escapist things, like being on a houseboat and floating down the river... Eric held me as I cried last night, so drained and exhausted from everyone else's pain and stress. So much heartache going around, and so much of it related to making changes. I love the explanation of change occuring when "the pain of staying the same is WORSE than the pain of doing it differently:... So very true--but none-the-less very uncomfortable.
Added into the mix, I got a letter from the Department of Veteran's Affairs on Saturday that stated I was NOT selected for further consideration for their open positions, despite being highly qualified for them. My guess is I am too highly qualified, but it is only a guess. I am very glad I sent out a new resume for something else, and I will keep looking. I had been ambivalent about the position anyway: it would have been great to have a job, but I had concerns about the hours and the schedule with our family obligations and Eric's schedule too. I got my biopsy results back on Friday and they said things were "within normal ranges," so what difficulties I am having are related to "normal aging processes," and if it continues to be at issue there are things that can be done invasively to help manage it. If I follow in my mother's footsteps I have about 7 more years of this to deal with this; I guess I will take it month by month for now. I still have to follow up on the ovarian cyst in another month, then hopefully I'll be done with doctors til April, when I have to get my med levels rechecked (thyroid/cholesterol) and refills on my Rxs.
I did get the quilt pieces all cut out over the weekend, and my sewing machine is indeed repaired and sews like a dream. I ran out of white thread though, and have to run and get another couple of spools so I can finish sewing the blocks together. I am liking the colors and how it is coming together, although I still wish I were better at piecing. The points/intersections don't line up 100% the way I wanted them to, and despite careful cutting and piecing, it's not perfect. I see the flaws, although perhaps once it is all put together I will be satisfied. I used sewing as my escape this weekend but maybe I shouldn't have--my lack of focus (or hyperfocus) may have contributed a bit to it not turning out exactly as I would have liked... Or maybe I am being too self-critical. I dunno at this point. Eric got the muffler tacked up on the van so we will be taking it over to the shop later today near Scott; we stopped in Saturday and they gave us a rough estimate of around $200 to fix the exhaust, so we'll see... We really need another vehicle around here--two are not cutting it.
Thanks for bearing with me as I complain and vent. I know it will get better and we just have to keep constant, but right now it's just really hard.
Drama: does it ever end? Everyone seems to think they are in the right, are the innocent victims of unfair directives ("finals are this week; do you have your study guides completed? your projects completed? have you reviewed/written/read up on whatever you need to be working on?"). We had one child stay home "ill" on friday to WRITE, from start, a 20 page english project that was assigned before winter break (and if we had known details of, could have made into a really fun and well-done project), but no, it was "almost done", "worked on", "just needs a little bit more on..." all the way til friday morning, and then we discover "oops, not even really started yet" and the writer was "ill" over it. It got haphazardly written, and was turned in a half hour after deadline, not as complete or detailed as it should have been, and now we are unsure (because it missed the 3pm deadline) if it will get any credit at all... Today a different child was "ill" (read nauseous) because "oops, I didn't complete any of my study guides because I was so stressed and tired and overwhelmed all weekend (and didn't do any homework)" and says if they aren't done it will blow whatever chances there might be of passing... So that child is home today and grounded from all activities until finals are done (other than church or other family sanctioned activities)...
Nerves are frayed, and everyone is slamming into everyone else's last exposed nerve, sometimes innocently, sometimes deliberately. Tempers are flaring, tears are flowing, and everyone is apparently the victim and not the aggressor ("s/he made me mad; s/he is at fault--how dare it be said..."). And entitlement: "can we use the car to run to A (and then go to B and C and D--but we have no money for gas--oh and by the way, could I have $5 for xyz... What do you mean no? You are soooooo unfair!"). And it isn't just here: the kids in Minneapolis are dealing with their own struggles and heartaches, and I am too far away to do more than listen and offer love and support. I feel so stressed out right now! Limits are being tested, and while we are holding firm to structure and limits, accountability, and love, it feels like Eric and I are just trying to contain a leaky dam with scotch tape... It is feeling bigger than both of us right now. The worst part is that it's felt like this for almost 2 weeks now. That's how long some of these tensions have been building (or in some cases, playing out). I am just so very tired of yelling, sarcasm, rudeness, dirty looks exchanged, brooding, provocative statements, and slamming doors. It makes me look back fondly at the days of unit shutdowns at the center, where kids were either in their rooms separately and doing constant writing assignments OR were in community meetings taking accountability for their actions/decisions/behaviors and making plans for improving community functioning. While some of those skills *might* be effective here, with it being only Eric and trying to mediate it, I doubt much would come out of them. We are not, after all, a locked unit here... God knows I have been dreaming of working at the treatment center again daily though, or of escapist things, like being on a houseboat and floating down the river... Eric held me as I cried last night, so drained and exhausted from everyone else's pain and stress. So much heartache going around, and so much of it related to making changes. I love the explanation of change occuring when "the pain of staying the same is WORSE than the pain of doing it differently:... So very true--but none-the-less very uncomfortable.
Added into the mix, I got a letter from the Department of Veteran's Affairs on Saturday that stated I was NOT selected for further consideration for their open positions, despite being highly qualified for them. My guess is I am too highly qualified, but it is only a guess. I am very glad I sent out a new resume for something else, and I will keep looking. I had been ambivalent about the position anyway: it would have been great to have a job, but I had concerns about the hours and the schedule with our family obligations and Eric's schedule too. I got my biopsy results back on Friday and they said things were "within normal ranges," so what difficulties I am having are related to "normal aging processes," and if it continues to be at issue there are things that can be done invasively to help manage it. If I follow in my mother's footsteps I have about 7 more years of this to deal with this; I guess I will take it month by month for now. I still have to follow up on the ovarian cyst in another month, then hopefully I'll be done with doctors til April, when I have to get my med levels rechecked (thyroid/cholesterol) and refills on my Rxs.
I did get the quilt pieces all cut out over the weekend, and my sewing machine is indeed repaired and sews like a dream. I ran out of white thread though, and have to run and get another couple of spools so I can finish sewing the blocks together. I am liking the colors and how it is coming together, although I still wish I were better at piecing. The points/intersections don't line up 100% the way I wanted them to, and despite careful cutting and piecing, it's not perfect. I see the flaws, although perhaps once it is all put together I will be satisfied. I used sewing as my escape this weekend but maybe I shouldn't have--my lack of focus (or hyperfocus) may have contributed a bit to it not turning out exactly as I would have liked... Or maybe I am being too self-critical. I dunno at this point. Eric got the muffler tacked up on the van so we will be taking it over to the shop later today near Scott; we stopped in Saturday and they gave us a rough estimate of around $200 to fix the exhaust, so we'll see... We really need another vehicle around here--two are not cutting it.
Thanks for bearing with me as I complain and vent. I know it will get better and we just have to keep constant, but right now it's just really hard.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Happy Birthday Liisa!
It's so hard to believe, but 25 years ago Liisa was born and my life was never the same afterwards. Who could have predicted the joy (and tears at times) such a teeny, tiny baby could bring to my life! Liisa wasn't a planned baby: I was dating her dad and going to college when I found out she was "expected"; initially Jim and I didn't plan to get married, because I wanted a marriage to be for the "right reasons" (whatever those are), rather than a knee-jerk response to an unexpected pregnancy. My family was behind us 100% though, and I planned to raise her from the get-go. And Jim and I did marry, when I was about 5 months along. Wow, the time has flown past!
My pregnancy was hard at times--there were a lot of stressors on us, I was sick a lot, and it didn't help that she was born during one of the hardest winters MN had seen in ages. I tell the story of my last day after work: when getting off the bus the plows had been through, but people had not yet been out to shovel, and I was so hugely pregnant I sank in the snow drift up to my thighs and had a hard time getting out! I walked home crying my eyes out, went to my ob appointment, and was told it was time to be done working, my blood pressure was too high. Yeah, I felt like a beached whale in that moment...
I went into labor with Liisa shortly after midnight on the 7th, and the contractions stayed consistent. I went to the hospital late afternoon, and we were doing ok; I just wasn't dilating at a good pace. Then they added in pitocin, which SUCKED big time--the labor was miserably intense and so out of my control... And then there was Liisa, who was quickly becoming more and more stressed. I ended up going in for an emergency cesarean at 11 pm, I was awake for the procedure but had to be propped on my left side (because any other position and her heart rate would drop to zero!), and within minutes they had her delivered. She was so very tiny: all of 6 lbs, 6 and a half oz., and 18 inches long. She screamed bloody murder and that saved her life: her umbilical cord had been wrapped aroun her neck and shoulders and she was slowly being strangled as she descended in the birth canal, and when I laid in any other position, the unbilical cord was pinched off between her shoulder and my pubic bone, so that she was not getting what she needed from me. Her lungs were full of myconeum and they raced her to intensive care, where they suctioned her out, and there she stayed for over 12 hours before I could even see her once... I didn't get to meet my beautiful girl until after noon on the following day!
Back in those days, only immediate family could see or hold the newborn, so my siblings impatiently waited for us to come home from the hospital, and on the day Liisa came home it was 35 below real temperature, with a 60 below wind chill, and the thermostat went out on our car, a little Chevy Nova. We drove home with her so bundled in her car seat you couldn't see there was a baby in there! Neal met us at the apartment, to be our first visitor to hold her, and while he was disappointed she wasn't a boy, he loved her anyway. Kristi came over every day after school on the city bus to help me while I healed up (and picked Liisa up every chance she got--"Reina, I swear she was awake in the crib and starting to fuss--I didn't wake her up!--yeah right... And when she was 3 weeks old, we moved back in with my parents and sibs: 4 generations under one roof for almost a year. Liisa was much loved by all, much spoiled by all, and was as much a little sister in the family as she was a niece... She's still much loved and much spoiled!
I look at this beautiful daughter of mine and wonder how I could have been so blessed. My father always said a baby is a gift from God, whom he brings in his own time and for his own purpose. Liisa has truly been that. I am so very proud of the woman she has become: strong, independent, self-assured... She is so like me in many ways, yet in others she is more like my mom, and I see bits and pieces of Jim's mom in her too. She comes from a long line of strong and independent women (after all, my dad's mom came all alone to the U.S. from Finland as a 16 year old, and look at the family she founded!) so her roots are strong and deep. I love her joyousness and playfulness, as well as her ability to cut to the chase on things. Sometimes I despair of how concrete she can be (black and white thinking, where I see all sorts of shades of grey), but I respect that too, because she sees things clearly and isn't afraid to speak her mind or pussyfoot around. I remember holding her as a newborn in my arms and dreaming about what she would be like as an adult. I think MY dreams for her have come true: she is someone I am proud to have as a daughter, and I enjoy the friendship that we share along with the bonds of love between us. She has been my rock, my comfort, my inspiration, and my reason for being at various points in her life. I treasure my memories of watching her grow and mature, and I cannot believe how fast that has occurred. I really don't feel too much different today than I did when she was born. Oh, I'm a lot wiser (I hope), and I have experience to back me up, but I don't feel "old"... So who said she could grow up, anyway!
Liisa, I wish you much joy and happiness in the coming year(s); may you find love, contentment, and peace, flavored with enough trials and challenges that you can appreciate what you have and not take it for granted. I am so very proud of you and I love you so very much. God bless you my sweet baby girl, and be with you always!
Mom
My pregnancy was hard at times--there were a lot of stressors on us, I was sick a lot, and it didn't help that she was born during one of the hardest winters MN had seen in ages. I tell the story of my last day after work: when getting off the bus the plows had been through, but people had not yet been out to shovel, and I was so hugely pregnant I sank in the snow drift up to my thighs and had a hard time getting out! I walked home crying my eyes out, went to my ob appointment, and was told it was time to be done working, my blood pressure was too high. Yeah, I felt like a beached whale in that moment...
I went into labor with Liisa shortly after midnight on the 7th, and the contractions stayed consistent. I went to the hospital late afternoon, and we were doing ok; I just wasn't dilating at a good pace. Then they added in pitocin, which SUCKED big time--the labor was miserably intense and so out of my control... And then there was Liisa, who was quickly becoming more and more stressed. I ended up going in for an emergency cesarean at 11 pm, I was awake for the procedure but had to be propped on my left side (because any other position and her heart rate would drop to zero!), and within minutes they had her delivered. She was so very tiny: all of 6 lbs, 6 and a half oz., and 18 inches long. She screamed bloody murder and that saved her life: her umbilical cord had been wrapped aroun her neck and shoulders and she was slowly being strangled as she descended in the birth canal, and when I laid in any other position, the unbilical cord was pinched off between her shoulder and my pubic bone, so that she was not getting what she needed from me. Her lungs were full of myconeum and they raced her to intensive care, where they suctioned her out, and there she stayed for over 12 hours before I could even see her once... I didn't get to meet my beautiful girl until after noon on the following day!
Back in those days, only immediate family could see or hold the newborn, so my siblings impatiently waited for us to come home from the hospital, and on the day Liisa came home it was 35 below real temperature, with a 60 below wind chill, and the thermostat went out on our car, a little Chevy Nova. We drove home with her so bundled in her car seat you couldn't see there was a baby in there! Neal met us at the apartment, to be our first visitor to hold her, and while he was disappointed she wasn't a boy, he loved her anyway. Kristi came over every day after school on the city bus to help me while I healed up (and picked Liisa up every chance she got--"Reina, I swear she was awake in the crib and starting to fuss--I didn't wake her up!--yeah right... And when she was 3 weeks old, we moved back in with my parents and sibs: 4 generations under one roof for almost a year. Liisa was much loved by all, much spoiled by all, and was as much a little sister in the family as she was a niece... She's still much loved and much spoiled!
I look at this beautiful daughter of mine and wonder how I could have been so blessed. My father always said a baby is a gift from God, whom he brings in his own time and for his own purpose. Liisa has truly been that. I am so very proud of the woman she has become: strong, independent, self-assured... She is so like me in many ways, yet in others she is more like my mom, and I see bits and pieces of Jim's mom in her too. She comes from a long line of strong and independent women (after all, my dad's mom came all alone to the U.S. from Finland as a 16 year old, and look at the family she founded!) so her roots are strong and deep. I love her joyousness and playfulness, as well as her ability to cut to the chase on things. Sometimes I despair of how concrete she can be (black and white thinking, where I see all sorts of shades of grey), but I respect that too, because she sees things clearly and isn't afraid to speak her mind or pussyfoot around. I remember holding her as a newborn in my arms and dreaming about what she would be like as an adult. I think MY dreams for her have come true: she is someone I am proud to have as a daughter, and I enjoy the friendship that we share along with the bonds of love between us. She has been my rock, my comfort, my inspiration, and my reason for being at various points in her life. I treasure my memories of watching her grow and mature, and I cannot believe how fast that has occurred. I really don't feel too much different today than I did when she was born. Oh, I'm a lot wiser (I hope), and I have experience to back me up, but I don't feel "old"... So who said she could grow up, anyway!
Liisa, I wish you much joy and happiness in the coming year(s); may you find love, contentment, and peace, flavored with enough trials and challenges that you can appreciate what you have and not take it for granted. I am so very proud of you and I love you so very much. God bless you my sweet baby girl, and be with you always!
Mom
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Grrrrrr another Ice Day and NO SCHOOL!
I was awakened at 5:30 this morning by Brianne asking for a ride to work because we had experienced an overnight of freezing rain... I got up, headed outside, and slid down the sidewalk to the car, then down the driveway as I attempted to get the driver's door open... I started the car to let it start defrosting, and headed inside to wake Eric--I was afraid to tackle the ice myself and it was glazed ice as far as I could see... Brie and Eric got the ice scraped off, and I rode along with to Krispy Kreme as I was already up and dressed; we heard there were multiple accidents on the freeways in St Louis, including a few that were totally closed, and that there were school closings being announced as well... The roads, once we were on the main drags and the freeway were wet but not horrible, but I was still glad I wasn't behind the wheel. We got Brie to work about 10 minutes late, then got home about ten to seven, to find NO ONE was up yet or ready for school (they usually leave the house just before 7 if they walk). Aurora looked up online to see if Mascoutah was on the closed list, and it wasn't (although neighboring communities were), so they all quickly dressed, grabbed donuts, and Eric drove them to school. Only to find there were closed notices on the doors and they were locked tight... Oh Joy!
The kids have napped some (Aurora has a cold, Eric sounds congested but denies being "sick", and I have been sneezing my fool head off and wiping a runny nose...), played video games (the Wii is getting a good workout today), and Rei's girlfriend was dropped off here with more games about an hour ago. It just feels noisy and confined and chaotic to a small degree... Cliff and I were planning a run over to SWIC to see about getting him enrolled and trying to find a work-around for his financial aid app given he has no access to his parent's financial info for the forms, but given the roads (which should be fairly melted by now) I am guessing we will wait on that til tomorrow. It's been fairly stressful around here in that he and Brianne have decided to take a break from their relationship, something that has been building for a while now and came to a head over the weekend, and Eric and I have made a point of saying we won't be taking sides, nor will we be removing "parental" support from either of them. It has taken a toll on all of us though, and (in my opinion) has triggered memories (for the kids especially) of when things changed with their mom. We are taking things a day at a time, and praying hard for both of them (as well as all of us) that these transitions will become smoother, and that civility, kindness, and respect will prevail. It's hard to see your kids hurting and know there is nothing you can do to make it easier, but what I hold on to is that God is in charge and has a plan. I have learned over time that praying "thy will be done" hold it's own kind of peace, even when saying it can be the hardest of prayers to offer...
Rei and Kimmie have decided to go walking outside, probably a good plan as Rei gets cabin-feverish easily; Aurora has headed back to bed for a bit; Eric is also sleeping (he's trying to stay on his overnight schedule so he doesn't get too off kilter), and Patrick is playing on the Wii. Cliff just left to go get Brianne from work (the temps are above freezing now), and when I finish on here I am gonna go start cutting out the quilted wallhanging I plan to make for the youth bowling raffle. Then hopefully, we can go get my sewing maching picked up later this afternoon from the shop--keep your fingers crossed all it needed was another new fuse and a good cleaning!
The kids have napped some (Aurora has a cold, Eric sounds congested but denies being "sick", and I have been sneezing my fool head off and wiping a runny nose...), played video games (the Wii is getting a good workout today), and Rei's girlfriend was dropped off here with more games about an hour ago. It just feels noisy and confined and chaotic to a small degree... Cliff and I were planning a run over to SWIC to see about getting him enrolled and trying to find a work-around for his financial aid app given he has no access to his parent's financial info for the forms, but given the roads (which should be fairly melted by now) I am guessing we will wait on that til tomorrow. It's been fairly stressful around here in that he and Brianne have decided to take a break from their relationship, something that has been building for a while now and came to a head over the weekend, and Eric and I have made a point of saying we won't be taking sides, nor will we be removing "parental" support from either of them. It has taken a toll on all of us though, and (in my opinion) has triggered memories (for the kids especially) of when things changed with their mom. We are taking things a day at a time, and praying hard for both of them (as well as all of us) that these transitions will become smoother, and that civility, kindness, and respect will prevail. It's hard to see your kids hurting and know there is nothing you can do to make it easier, but what I hold on to is that God is in charge and has a plan. I have learned over time that praying "thy will be done" hold it's own kind of peace, even when saying it can be the hardest of prayers to offer...
Rei and Kimmie have decided to go walking outside, probably a good plan as Rei gets cabin-feverish easily; Aurora has headed back to bed for a bit; Eric is also sleeping (he's trying to stay on his overnight schedule so he doesn't get too off kilter), and Patrick is playing on the Wii. Cliff just left to go get Brianne from work (the temps are above freezing now), and when I finish on here I am gonna go start cutting out the quilted wallhanging I plan to make for the youth bowling raffle. Then hopefully, we can go get my sewing maching picked up later this afternoon from the shop--keep your fingers crossed all it needed was another new fuse and a good cleaning!
Monday, January 5, 2009
Pictures of Christmas!
I have some pictures from our first Christmas here in Mascoutah, IL that I wanted to share. We had a wonderful Christmas; to quote Eric's youngest 2, "it was the best Christmas EVER!". In my not so humble opinion, it ranks right up there for me with some of the best I have had. We spread it out over a few weeks, given the travels of the younger kids, and we opened gifts here on New Year's Eve, amidst laughter, playfulness, and gleefu
l surprise.
l surprise.
These are, from top to bottom, putting up the tree the night before the kids had to leave (Cliff set it up for me, then the kids all put on the lights and started hanging ornaments), the front door of our house (not sure if you can see the two red bulbs amongst the white ones!), and our tree with most of the gifts under it on the 31st before our celebration. Then, on the 31st, we had our party. Rei's girlfriend Kimmie joined us for the evening (actually, she was here most of the weekend!) and she is a sweetheart. We were glad to have her here!
We used the tradition from my family of opening from youngest to oldest, and Kimmie and Rei went first. Rei got a movie he really wanted, some video games, and some gaming assecories (his flight to MN counted as part of his gift from Eric and I). Kimmie had gotten a "Hello Kitty" kitty from the build-a-bear workshop from Brie and Aurora, as well as some assecories from Eric and I, and Rei gave her some slippers (that he had forgotten in MN--She got them on Saturday when Liisa's package arrived). Aurora got a robe and slippers set from my sister and her family, which she really loved and wore the rest of the night over her clothes, and from Eric and I she got a nice camera. Patrick got a new "hobo jacket", which he needed to replace his old raggedy one, and Eric and I gave him a nice mountain style bike so he has an "eco-friendly" form of transportation now. Cliff received a number of misc. things, including some windpants he needed, as well as many Cardinal's related things (the baseball team, not the bird), and Brie got some clothes, games/movies, and a really nice tall tv stand/night table (with two drawers in it) for her large gift. Eric got some fun gag-style gifts, including a stuffed pig and fur-lined handcuffs (to celebrate his policeman status), and I made sure he got a nice lined Nike windsuit for when he goes to his training classes at the end of the month. I also got him some nice flannel p.j. pants, and a pretty glass dragon. I was with Eric when he bought my gifts, so I was thrilled with my presents: a beautiful cross with 6 small diamonds in it on a lovely white gold chain, a book by the "Yarn Harlott" I really wanted (I have link to her blog if you are interested in reading her stuff), a magazine subscription to a cross stitch magazine, and the kids thoughtfully got me candles, incense/scented oils, a beautiful glass dragon (a larger version of the one I got Eric!), and the first season of "House" on DVD. I am sure I will enjoy that while Eric is gone next month! The final picture is of Rei buried in a mountain of wrapping paper. If you look closely, you can see his hand...
Earlier in the week we had the opportunity to share Christmas greeting's with Eric's brother Tony and his wife Vera, and with Eric's parents, when we were in IN picking up the kids. It was so wonderful to see all of them, and the best part is how much it just "felt like family" being together. Tony and his wife had never met me before, so I was a little nervous going into it, although I adore Eric's parents, and couldn't ask for better in-laws; They were so warm and welcoming that I ended up feeling right at home, and it was a really good visit. The kids had fun, they had an opportunity to wear off a little energy rambling in the neighborhood before our 6 hour car ride home, and it was nice being all together. Reimond later said that he really had fun there, and suggested we go there once a month at least to visit! Eric and I agreed that would be nice, but as with MN, it's a bit far to go for a brief visit on a regular basis, albeit not impossible, as this visit proved... I too am looking forward to "doing it again!"
Eric is off this coming weekend (today is the start of his "short week, working only Wednesday and Thursday overnights), so my guess is we will take down the tree and get back to what passes for normal around here; I have had an emotional holiday this year, and while I do miss my family back home, it has been a wonderful start of new traditions and ideas.
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