Where oh where did the summer go? I admit I am loving the cooler weather we have had these last few days, but it seems like the time just flew and much of what I had planned to accomplish once again went out the window. I have projects not finished that I had hoped to complete, some household changes I wanted to make that remain undone, things I wanted to adjust or remake or do differently. It's been a good summer: we got lots of use from the pool pass and I was so glad we had it. We spent lots of time as a family and we had a wonderful trip to MN that I am so glad we could make. We had family come down to us, and we were able to entertain, so I am grateful for that as well. It just all went so very fast.
I got up this morning to check the time and found I had three missed calls from the school, and a message from the principal. Reimond took his pill with him to school, intending to take it in front of the nurse (to follow rules), only they couldn't find his paperwork authorizing his meds! Could I please come in so he could take it, oh and could I bring the forms with me? He brought them in and left them with the nurse last Monday, only "they don't have it," thus he must not have brought it. I KNOW he brought it because I gave it to him to take, and when he got home I asked if he turned it in. He even knows who he gave it to, although when they called her this morning to check she denied having anything from him. They have a new part time nurse this year and already I don't like her (both nurses from last year were wonderful and I really appreciated them; only one is still there, but not today). Now I have to make a trip out to the clinic to get these papers re-signed and dropped off again. I am sooooo pissed! I even went through his backpack and locker with him this morning to be sure he hadn't somehow forgotten it, and I checked the house before I left to be sure I wasn't hallucinating that I had sent it. I so wanted him to fly under the radar this year, so I tried to be on top of things... This just irritates me. I just had a thought--the envelope they were in was addressed to Reina M.; I wonder if they filed it under M.... and not S..... for Rei's last name. I will ask next time I am there.
This is starting out to be a continuation of last week's difficulties, only it's going to be magnified because I am working so much this week (Working 4 and teaching 2, with one overlapping shift on Saturday). The money will be awesome, but I am having some issues hormonally that will add to the challenges (as well as my moodiness--I am in turn depressed, angry, easily irritated, easily tearful, and wanting to be left alone--not good things working in a people-centered industry!). Bah! The kids did help with getting the dogs out this morning, and the boys did a nice job of cleaning the floors for me yesterday while I was gone with Aurora. She bowled ok for her 5 games, better than last week anyhow: 201, 215, 135, 165, 163. The middle game she couldn't catch a break if it sat next to her! She doesn't think she made the team, especially since they are limiting HS bowlers (because of IL laws and the overlap of seasons), but it was a good experience for her. Patrick decided on Friday that he would like to bowl on the youth league after all, so I got him registered for that as well yesterday. Their season starts on the 12th. One more Saturday morning of freedom!
I talked to family members this weekend about their experiences at the state fair, which is a really big deal in MN. (I hope to exhibit some finished quilts there eventually when I have them done). Joel showed his horses over the weekend and took a first and 2-seconds, and a best of show with his brand new little male. He was quite pleased! I was thrilled to hear that. I know Aurora would have loved being in the barns with him (we tend to congregate there with Joel and the horses when he shows them). Maybe next year. The fair runs through Labor Day every year but there is absolutely no way we could get up there this year for it. In fact, for the first year in a long time, family didn't go en masse to the fair, but rather went as "pockets," because everyone's schedules were so crazy!
This comingThursday (9/3) would have been my 26th wedding anniversary to Jim, had we stayed together. That seems hard to believe. Where have the years gone? I am so glad that Jim and I are friends and can talk to each other about things, but I am so much happier in my marriage and relationship with Eric. It is like comparing Apples and Grapefruits--it isn't fair to try and compare them as each are what they are, but I do have many good memories of my years with Jim, along with the harder ones too, and I have no regrets. I can say though, my life is completely different from the one I imagined having when I married the first time at 21 years old... Wow.
We have a new pastor at church and she is a lovely person, who preached an amazing sermon on Sunday. I am going to try to be more faithful in my attendance now that the summer is over, and maybe even go by myself if need be, just to see how this works out. She is newly graduated from Seminary, and she has a nice way of putting things together. So we will see. She seemed to be well-received by the congregation, although I still really like Pastor Jan and appreciate her so very much.
Eric is sleeping so I think I will run and do a few errands. I need to return something to the BX, I need to run by Pet Smart (forgot to do that the other day when I had Patrick and Aurora at the bookstore, then out for ice cream), and I want to stop at Kohls--got some bonus bucks to spend and I need a couple of things for me. Might as well do this while Eric is resting! Then he and I are off together the rest of today/tonight, so maybe we can sneak in a "date". TTFN! (Tata for now, lol--Tigger)
Monday, August 31, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Doing better today,
although still not totally happy. The dogs are still pushing my buttons. Today after Eric went back to bed and I went downstairs to change a load of laundry I found the contents of the garbage can strewn from the pantry to the kennel in the laundry room, coffee grounds staining the linoleum, and in the kennel, Po with Rei's policeman puppet and misc. items of trash. The puppet was missing an eye and the arm-motion dowel was chewed to pieces. I was so angry and upset I cried! The puppet was a gift from me to Reimond for Christmas 2007, and he always joked it looked like Eric. In fact, Eric is what he named it, and it always made me smile when he used it--he does such a good job of it. I admit, Rei isn't always very responsible about keeping it put away, but still, the dogs know better than to chew these things. They don't chew other stuffed animals or pillows. Leina tends to be the primary culprit of knocking the lid off of the garbage can and foraging, but once it's open it becomes fair game for all of them. I don't remember when I have last been so upset and angry!
Then, this evening, Po took off. Not necessarily his fault, because Patrick unhooked the lead from the post when mowing the lawn, then "forgot" to rehook it. Aurora put Po out, and he took off upon realizing he was not attached to anything. We got him back, he didn't go far. But it was unnerving to look out the window and see him down the trail quite a ways. He and Midnight have been having "pissing" contests, for lack of a better word, growling and snapping at each other aggressively. It has actually been kinda scary a couple of times! Not sure what that is all about but I don't like it. Midnight is getting so old; he seems like he is selectively deaf these days, and although he seems spry when he wants to be, he spends most of his time when he isn't fighting with Po sleeping near whereever Eric or I are.
Aurora ran in her first cross county meet this morning and she ended up dropping out of her race at the 2 mile mark because her hip again started aching unbearably. She had been doing fine with it up until Monday when she really pushed it and the pain resumed as bad as it had been this spring and she came home very upset. She has been seeing a doctor about it, and it was thought to be related to "female issues," but it doesn't seem like that is actually what is causing it. We have a recheck on her other issues in about 2.5 weeks and will double check this with him, then probably set up an appointment with her regular physician for followup with her too. I sure understand Aurora's frustration, both with pain disrupting her desire to run and her body not cooperating with her desires. We are staying on top of this as best we can.
Tomorrow is going to be another busy day. Aurora has to bowl her last 5 games for travel league tryouts, and of course the kids serve at church in the morning. Rei has his homework done (he had to finish it before I would drive him to a friend's house), but I am not so sure about Patrick and Aurora's. Eric is working yet tonight and tomorrow night, so I will be on taxi duty during the day.
I think I should probably be looking at heading to bed myself--gotta be up shortly after Eric gets home in the morning. Good night!
Then, this evening, Po took off. Not necessarily his fault, because Patrick unhooked the lead from the post when mowing the lawn, then "forgot" to rehook it. Aurora put Po out, and he took off upon realizing he was not attached to anything. We got him back, he didn't go far. But it was unnerving to look out the window and see him down the trail quite a ways. He and Midnight have been having "pissing" contests, for lack of a better word, growling and snapping at each other aggressively. It has actually been kinda scary a couple of times! Not sure what that is all about but I don't like it. Midnight is getting so old; he seems like he is selectively deaf these days, and although he seems spry when he wants to be, he spends most of his time when he isn't fighting with Po sleeping near whereever Eric or I are.
Aurora ran in her first cross county meet this morning and she ended up dropping out of her race at the 2 mile mark because her hip again started aching unbearably. She had been doing fine with it up until Monday when she really pushed it and the pain resumed as bad as it had been this spring and she came home very upset. She has been seeing a doctor about it, and it was thought to be related to "female issues," but it doesn't seem like that is actually what is causing it. We have a recheck on her other issues in about 2.5 weeks and will double check this with him, then probably set up an appointment with her regular physician for followup with her too. I sure understand Aurora's frustration, both with pain disrupting her desire to run and her body not cooperating with her desires. We are staying on top of this as best we can.
Tomorrow is going to be another busy day. Aurora has to bowl her last 5 games for travel league tryouts, and of course the kids serve at church in the morning. Rei has his homework done (he had to finish it before I would drive him to a friend's house), but I am not so sure about Patrick and Aurora's. Eric is working yet tonight and tomorrow night, so I will be on taxi duty during the day.
I think I should probably be looking at heading to bed myself--gotta be up shortly after Eric gets home in the morning. Good night!
Friday, August 28, 2009
With apologies to Judith Viorst,
today is a no good, horrible, rotten, very bad day! I woke up on the wrong side of the bed (so-to-speak) and was crabby from the get-go (thanks hormones, gloomy skies, and high humidity); the dogs piddled where they pleased (thanks kids for not putting them out as you got breakfast), Rosie and Midnight seemed bound and determined to trip me as I moved between the bedroom and the bathroom, and time just seemed to fluctuate depending on what I was trying to accomplish. I got out of the house on time, but had to stop at the high school to drop off forgotten homework (and they now have a buzzer system to get in, so there was a wait there); took an alternative route to get to work and was then 5 minutes late, only to discover I DON"T WORK TODAY-- I was supposed to be there YESTERDAY! Adding insult to injury, they were so busy yesterday that no one took the time to call me and check why I wasn't there (I would have gone in without a problem, just would have blown off that luncheon thingy) so that made me even a bigger messup in my co-workers eyes. I know exactly what happened, and I think it stood in my favor that I showed up today, showing that it was indeed an honest mistake.
Anyway, what happened was I called in the end of last week (Friday to be exact) to find out what my schedule was for this week. The girl who answered the phone had me on hold for 2 cycles, then gave me my schedule: Wednesday and Friday, noon to 5. I asked her if it was the correct schedule because I generally don't work afternoons (unless it is my choice and I am teaching), and she said "Whoops, you're right, you are on 8:30 to 1:30." I asked again, "Wednesday and Friday?" and she said yeah, so I wrote that down in my planner (my "Brains"--if it isn't in there, it doesn't happen!). Anyhow, I blogged about my day yesterday so you know how that went... I think I would have had a better time working than I had at the luncheon, although I really did like the quilt/yarn shop. I felt absolutely nauseous on the drive home because that is not something I have ever done. I will admit, I didn't look at this week's schedule when I went in on Wednesday, because I figured "why, I already know it;" I did, however, check next weeks so I have it for planning purposes... This was the first (and the last!) time I will call in to check my schedule for the week. From here on out I will again make the drive over near the end of the week if I am not already on the schedule (for when the next weeks' schedule gets posted) to see with my own eyes what my hours will be. I don't like having a black mark on my work record, nor do I want to face any disciplinary action; my guess is there will be something though. So I made the 32 mile round trip to work today for nothing...
I have done one positive thing for myself today: I ordered and paid for the latest Mandala pattern by Martina Weber, "A Fairy Flower Garden". It will be awhile before I will be able to start it--it is another huge piece, close to 23" square on 28 ct fabric, done up in cottons, silks, metallics, and beads... Still, I am thrilled to have it and cannot wait to see it all saved to my computer (it is an online class/pattern--the pattern will be released as a whole, but then there is a yahoo group that will run for a year for support/cheering, and companionship). That makes me smile. I have one other of her patterns downloaded, the Hawaiian Mandala, that Eric wants to stitch up himself to commemorate his time in Hawaii. It is another that is stunningly gorgeous. As Eric pointed out to me just a bit ago, I have 2 major stitching projects to finish, a quilt to make, and lots of knitting planned for holiday gifts, so the start of anything new is a ways down the road. It's okay, it'll give me time to save up for the silks especially! (So glad for the bead shop in Fairview Heights--they will make it easy to get those sparklies when I am ready for them!)
Eric is playing some Everquest at the moment, and I need to get some laundry dealt with, then maybe I will join him. Might as well, it has become a free day today!
Anyway, what happened was I called in the end of last week (Friday to be exact) to find out what my schedule was for this week. The girl who answered the phone had me on hold for 2 cycles, then gave me my schedule: Wednesday and Friday, noon to 5. I asked her if it was the correct schedule because I generally don't work afternoons (unless it is my choice and I am teaching), and she said "Whoops, you're right, you are on 8:30 to 1:30." I asked again, "Wednesday and Friday?" and she said yeah, so I wrote that down in my planner (my "Brains"--if it isn't in there, it doesn't happen!). Anyhow, I blogged about my day yesterday so you know how that went... I think I would have had a better time working than I had at the luncheon, although I really did like the quilt/yarn shop. I felt absolutely nauseous on the drive home because that is not something I have ever done. I will admit, I didn't look at this week's schedule when I went in on Wednesday, because I figured "why, I already know it;" I did, however, check next weeks so I have it for planning purposes... This was the first (and the last!) time I will call in to check my schedule for the week. From here on out I will again make the drive over near the end of the week if I am not already on the schedule (for when the next weeks' schedule gets posted) to see with my own eyes what my hours will be. I don't like having a black mark on my work record, nor do I want to face any disciplinary action; my guess is there will be something though. So I made the 32 mile round trip to work today for nothing...
I have done one positive thing for myself today: I ordered and paid for the latest Mandala pattern by Martina Weber, "A Fairy Flower Garden". It will be awhile before I will be able to start it--it is another huge piece, close to 23" square on 28 ct fabric, done up in cottons, silks, metallics, and beads... Still, I am thrilled to have it and cannot wait to see it all saved to my computer (it is an online class/pattern--the pattern will be released as a whole, but then there is a yahoo group that will run for a year for support/cheering, and companionship). That makes me smile. I have one other of her patterns downloaded, the Hawaiian Mandala, that Eric wants to stitch up himself to commemorate his time in Hawaii. It is another that is stunningly gorgeous. As Eric pointed out to me just a bit ago, I have 2 major stitching projects to finish, a quilt to make, and lots of knitting planned for holiday gifts, so the start of anything new is a ways down the road. It's okay, it'll give me time to save up for the silks especially! (So glad for the bead shop in Fairview Heights--they will make it easy to get those sparklies when I am ready for them!)
Eric is playing some Everquest at the moment, and I need to get some laundry dealt with, then maybe I will join him. Might as well, it has become a free day today!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wow, it's been a busy week!
I had Monday and Tuesday off, but spent it doing a variety of things. Laundry was high on the list (which reminds me I still have more to do), and the kids had their various activities too. I worked Wednesday and they were concerned we would be slow, so my relief was called off and I was on the cutting table by myself with only back up from people assigned to do other things. Then of course, we got busy. I ended up working later than I was supposed to (which balanced out my being late due to traffic and a freight train), then got home, rested for a bit, then headed out again with Eric. We met up with some knitters I had met on Ravelry.com, a website, pattern/materials source and discussion forum that I actively participate in. We met at Little Nashville Restaurant in Nashville IL, and it was very nice. I liked being around people who spoke my language (heehee). Eric came with me because he knows I don't like driving to new places alone, I'm not necessarily comfortable meeting new people in an open setting, and it was a way to just be together. I was very glad to have him there, and he seemed comfortable enough. We got home around 9ish and I went to bed early.
This morning we were up with the kids, then enjoyed a fairly quiet morning, before we headed out to a meeting of a "networking" group (we were guests of our financial planner). The goal with this luncheon/meet 'n greet was networking small and larger businesses for customer referals and personal references. Eric actually made a few more contacts than I did, although I got directed to a couple of sources I hadn't yet explored. It was a bit uncomfortable for me because I don't like being in those settings where I am expected to go up, introduce myself cold, and then chat. I do better with small talk in controlled settings, where I have common interests with people or a defined role (e.g. teaching/leading groups etc). Afterwards we drove to Collinsville where I explored a combination quilt and yarn shop to my heart's content (didn't buy anything because I didn't have my quilt pattern with me), but I will definitely go back. We got home just after 3 and tried to cool down some (it is hot, humid, and miserable today--and the promised/predicted storms never came). I hate it when my clothes stick to me and that was today in a nutshell.
Tonight we had Aurora and Patrick at a band practice (Patrick is in band this term) and Rei hung out with some neighbor kids, so Eric and I played EQ for awhile. Now though, it's getting late, and I am gonna finish this, shut down the computer, and maybe take a cool bath before heading to bed. I work tomorrow early, and this is Eric's weekend to work as well, so I am gonna be on mom's taxi duty all weekend. The band is performing at the football game Friday night, Aurora has a track meet Saturday, and she has travel league tryouts again on Sunday (second 5 games); the boys don't necessarily have plans, but I am sure I will find something to keep them busy. The kids all serve on Sunday at Church, and it's probably a good thing--it's been awhile since we have been.
Next week is Eric's short week but I am actually going to be working between 20 and 22 hours next week: Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (mornings on the weekdays, afternoon/evening on Saturday). Yuck! Eric's mom is going to be here for a couple of days and I am so looking forward to that. I am just sorry I will be working. Fortunately, Eric will sleep a little on Friday morning, then he is off thru Sunday. It's a good thing I didn't plan a trip to MN for the holiday weekend--I would have needed to cancel for sure! The baby's surgery has been put off temporarily as Tony is going to be out of town quite a bit with his reserve training, but I AM looking to go to MN with whomever of the kids can go over their long weekend off early October (head up on the 8th after school, come home on the 12th). My goal is to attend Jesse's annual lawn mower races in Princeton that Saturday, and perhaps meet up with friends on Friday and/or Sunday (maybe even go to the renaissance festival for it's final weekend). I have asked Eric to look into whether or not he could trade a weekend with someone so he could go with (he works that Friday thru Sunday). It's still a ways away so we will see.
Anyhow, it is getting late and I need to start readying for bed. I will probably be on again this weekend~
This morning we were up with the kids, then enjoyed a fairly quiet morning, before we headed out to a meeting of a "networking" group (we were guests of our financial planner). The goal with this luncheon/meet 'n greet was networking small and larger businesses for customer referals and personal references. Eric actually made a few more contacts than I did, although I got directed to a couple of sources I hadn't yet explored. It was a bit uncomfortable for me because I don't like being in those settings where I am expected to go up, introduce myself cold, and then chat. I do better with small talk in controlled settings, where I have common interests with people or a defined role (e.g. teaching/leading groups etc). Afterwards we drove to Collinsville where I explored a combination quilt and yarn shop to my heart's content (didn't buy anything because I didn't have my quilt pattern with me), but I will definitely go back. We got home just after 3 and tried to cool down some (it is hot, humid, and miserable today--and the promised/predicted storms never came). I hate it when my clothes stick to me and that was today in a nutshell.
Tonight we had Aurora and Patrick at a band practice (Patrick is in band this term) and Rei hung out with some neighbor kids, so Eric and I played EQ for awhile. Now though, it's getting late, and I am gonna finish this, shut down the computer, and maybe take a cool bath before heading to bed. I work tomorrow early, and this is Eric's weekend to work as well, so I am gonna be on mom's taxi duty all weekend. The band is performing at the football game Friday night, Aurora has a track meet Saturday, and she has travel league tryouts again on Sunday (second 5 games); the boys don't necessarily have plans, but I am sure I will find something to keep them busy. The kids all serve on Sunday at Church, and it's probably a good thing--it's been awhile since we have been.
Next week is Eric's short week but I am actually going to be working between 20 and 22 hours next week: Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (mornings on the weekdays, afternoon/evening on Saturday). Yuck! Eric's mom is going to be here for a couple of days and I am so looking forward to that. I am just sorry I will be working. Fortunately, Eric will sleep a little on Friday morning, then he is off thru Sunday. It's a good thing I didn't plan a trip to MN for the holiday weekend--I would have needed to cancel for sure! The baby's surgery has been put off temporarily as Tony is going to be out of town quite a bit with his reserve training, but I AM looking to go to MN with whomever of the kids can go over their long weekend off early October (head up on the 8th after school, come home on the 12th). My goal is to attend Jesse's annual lawn mower races in Princeton that Saturday, and perhaps meet up with friends on Friday and/or Sunday (maybe even go to the renaissance festival for it's final weekend). I have asked Eric to look into whether or not he could trade a weekend with someone so he could go with (he works that Friday thru Sunday). It's still a ways away so we will see.
Anyhow, it is getting late and I need to start readying for bed. I will probably be on again this weekend~
Monday, August 24, 2009
On a competely separate topic,
today is a day of anniversaries. Today is my first father-in-law's birthday, and to be honest, I don't remember what year he was born in. My guess is he is 68 0r 69 today. Happy Birthday Jim Sr! It is also the wedding anniversary of my dear friend and her husband, someone I have sadly lost touch with, and although I couldn't be there for the wedding, I was so thrilled to know she had found her true love. They have a passel of children now, (there were 4 last I heard), and I wish them many more years of joy together and in each other. God-willing, we will reconnect some day.
Today is also the 16th anniversary of my first mother-in-law's collapse and "death" (she was gone in the emergency room for over 4 minutes, although she lingered in intensive care, first in a medically induced coma, then in a vegetative state, for an addition three weeks, until Sept. 11, 1994). I remember that day like it was yesterday: a beautiful, warm, sunny, Sunday late morning, when we got the call from Jim's brother that his mom had been taken by ambulance to the hospital. She had collapsed in the bathroom at her house. I was outside walking, with Reimond in my arms (he was 4 months old), and Jim yelled frantically for me to get the kids together so we could meet his brothers at the hospital. Once there, they put us into a private room, and explained that things were very grave (she had pneumonia, early stage emphasyma, and had taken, we later found out, a lethal mix of tylenol and alcohol--she was self-medicating her fever and her body aches, and we believe she didn't realize how much tylenol she had taken, along with the quantities of alcohol she was known to ingest). She had been alert in the ambulance but went into respiratory arrest in the ER, and her kidneys subsequently shut down; we had to approve her being put on dialysis. I remember calling my parents for them to come get the kids, and fortunately I had a full diaper bag with me that included bottles and formula (I was a nursing mom primarily), so my family came to take Liisa, Tony, and Reimond home with them. Her prognosis was poor, and they didn't give us much hope, so we stayed and waited for most of the day, and into the night in the ICU waiting room. Eventually Jim and I left to go home as there was little we could do other than pray, and the baby/kids needed to be home and put to bed, but his brothers stayed.
For three weeks I drove to the hospital daily, taking the kids with me. Liisa and Tony took turns sitting in the hallway and ICU waiting room with Reimond so I could help care for her, and we gave the children the option of going in to see her only if they wanted to (they did), so I would take them in one at a time, the other sitting with Rei. They were only 9 and 10 years old. Jim would go in the evening after work, and his brothers and Aunt went daily as well. We tried to keep family by her as often as we could, and although her eyes were open when they lifted the coma, she never came back. We did think she knew when we were there, because her heart rate and respirations would change slightly but noticably when we were present, and occassionally her eyes would tear. We talked to her, we prayed for and with her (she was raised Catholic), and we encouraged her to let go. Initially Jim's brothers wanted heroic measures at all cost, but as we moved into the third week and watched her continue to deteriorate, they too came to the conclusion that it was better to let her go. We stopped all heroic measures and instituted palliative care.
During that time of limbo, I frequently got the impression that her soul/spirit was somewhere outside of her body, making peace, with herself, with God, with her life. She had had such a hard life. Nothing came easily to her, and she had made many poor choices at times, of which there were numerous and hard consequences. She had her faith, but it was challenged so very many times, and she was tired and worn out beyond her years (she was just 54 when she died). I pictured her in my mind as I talked to her as if she were at some retreat center in northern MN, a place of peacefulness and contemplation. The night that she died, I had a dream. All her life she had been terrified of Doctor's offices, and I frequently went with her to appointments so she wouldn't be alone. In my dream I was sitting in a waiting room with her. We were sitting perpendicular to each other in a corner near the office door, and she held my hands in hers. She told me how much she loved me, how grateful she was for me being a part of the family, and that it was now my role to take care of her boys. She apologized for our early years of heartache (she saw me as a threat early on and resented my relationship with Jim, and our being married; she would get drunk, call me, and ream me out verbally/abusively until I was in tears. This went on for about the first 4 -5 years of our marriage). She also told me she was ready to move on now, and that she was no longer afraid. She seemed so peaceful, so content. As she finished saying all she had to say, I heard the phone ringing, and it woke me up. I answered it, and it was the hospital, telling us it was time for us to go there, that she was dying. Given it was like 2 am, I stayed home with the children, while Jim met his brothers at the hospital. She died early that morning, on 9/11/94. I was so at peace with her passing, and I had no regrets. I had done all I could during our time together to be a good and loving daughter-in-law, and I was so content with how our relationship had grown and changed over the 11 years I had been a part of her family. When I think about her now, I have my hard memories, but they are tempered by forgiveness, by understanding, and by love. When she was sober she was an amazing woman. She was strong, she was independent, she had a joyful personality, and she loved fiercely and loyally. She had a flirtatious nature, she had an infectious laugh, and she enjoyed life to the fullest. She was a beautiful woman, and she did her best with what she had. I learned so much from her, and while I didn't always agree with her or the decisions she made, I could also understand where she was coming from. She was no saint, and we have our emotional scars from her; some are deeper than others, and I won't deny they are there. Still, she was who she was, and there are times I miss her. I see the best of her in Liisa especially, and I am grateful that it is there. I can remember her with joy and gladness, and celebrate her life.
I am thinking of you today Carol, and I am so glad we became friends. You are missed by all of us.
Today is also the 16th anniversary of my first mother-in-law's collapse and "death" (she was gone in the emergency room for over 4 minutes, although she lingered in intensive care, first in a medically induced coma, then in a vegetative state, for an addition three weeks, until Sept. 11, 1994). I remember that day like it was yesterday: a beautiful, warm, sunny, Sunday late morning, when we got the call from Jim's brother that his mom had been taken by ambulance to the hospital. She had collapsed in the bathroom at her house. I was outside walking, with Reimond in my arms (he was 4 months old), and Jim yelled frantically for me to get the kids together so we could meet his brothers at the hospital. Once there, they put us into a private room, and explained that things were very grave (she had pneumonia, early stage emphasyma, and had taken, we later found out, a lethal mix of tylenol and alcohol--she was self-medicating her fever and her body aches, and we believe she didn't realize how much tylenol she had taken, along with the quantities of alcohol she was known to ingest). She had been alert in the ambulance but went into respiratory arrest in the ER, and her kidneys subsequently shut down; we had to approve her being put on dialysis. I remember calling my parents for them to come get the kids, and fortunately I had a full diaper bag with me that included bottles and formula (I was a nursing mom primarily), so my family came to take Liisa, Tony, and Reimond home with them. Her prognosis was poor, and they didn't give us much hope, so we stayed and waited for most of the day, and into the night in the ICU waiting room. Eventually Jim and I left to go home as there was little we could do other than pray, and the baby/kids needed to be home and put to bed, but his brothers stayed.
For three weeks I drove to the hospital daily, taking the kids with me. Liisa and Tony took turns sitting in the hallway and ICU waiting room with Reimond so I could help care for her, and we gave the children the option of going in to see her only if they wanted to (they did), so I would take them in one at a time, the other sitting with Rei. They were only 9 and 10 years old. Jim would go in the evening after work, and his brothers and Aunt went daily as well. We tried to keep family by her as often as we could, and although her eyes were open when they lifted the coma, she never came back. We did think she knew when we were there, because her heart rate and respirations would change slightly but noticably when we were present, and occassionally her eyes would tear. We talked to her, we prayed for and with her (she was raised Catholic), and we encouraged her to let go. Initially Jim's brothers wanted heroic measures at all cost, but as we moved into the third week and watched her continue to deteriorate, they too came to the conclusion that it was better to let her go. We stopped all heroic measures and instituted palliative care.
During that time of limbo, I frequently got the impression that her soul/spirit was somewhere outside of her body, making peace, with herself, with God, with her life. She had had such a hard life. Nothing came easily to her, and she had made many poor choices at times, of which there were numerous and hard consequences. She had her faith, but it was challenged so very many times, and she was tired and worn out beyond her years (she was just 54 when she died). I pictured her in my mind as I talked to her as if she were at some retreat center in northern MN, a place of peacefulness and contemplation. The night that she died, I had a dream. All her life she had been terrified of Doctor's offices, and I frequently went with her to appointments so she wouldn't be alone. In my dream I was sitting in a waiting room with her. We were sitting perpendicular to each other in a corner near the office door, and she held my hands in hers. She told me how much she loved me, how grateful she was for me being a part of the family, and that it was now my role to take care of her boys. She apologized for our early years of heartache (she saw me as a threat early on and resented my relationship with Jim, and our being married; she would get drunk, call me, and ream me out verbally/abusively until I was in tears. This went on for about the first 4 -5 years of our marriage). She also told me she was ready to move on now, and that she was no longer afraid. She seemed so peaceful, so content. As she finished saying all she had to say, I heard the phone ringing, and it woke me up. I answered it, and it was the hospital, telling us it was time for us to go there, that she was dying. Given it was like 2 am, I stayed home with the children, while Jim met his brothers at the hospital. She died early that morning, on 9/11/94. I was so at peace with her passing, and I had no regrets. I had done all I could during our time together to be a good and loving daughter-in-law, and I was so content with how our relationship had grown and changed over the 11 years I had been a part of her family. When I think about her now, I have my hard memories, but they are tempered by forgiveness, by understanding, and by love. When she was sober she was an amazing woman. She was strong, she was independent, she had a joyful personality, and she loved fiercely and loyally. She had a flirtatious nature, she had an infectious laugh, and she enjoyed life to the fullest. She was a beautiful woman, and she did her best with what she had. I learned so much from her, and while I didn't always agree with her or the decisions she made, I could also understand where she was coming from. She was no saint, and we have our emotional scars from her; some are deeper than others, and I won't deny they are there. Still, she was who she was, and there are times I miss her. I see the best of her in Liisa especially, and I am grateful that it is there. I can remember her with joy and gladness, and celebrate her life.
I am thinking of you today Carol, and I am so glad we became friends. You are missed by all of us.
The weekend is over...
and what a lovely weekend it was! The weather couldn't have been better, we accomplished many of our planned goals, and we even made sure we kept on schedule for homework etc.! We spent a good part of Saturday at the bowling alley as a family; Aurora bowled 5 games trying out for travel league, Rei got a new-to-him 14 lb. bowling ball (used from the pro shop) that he did amazing with (the child has grown at least 6" this summer and his hands are bigger too so he needed something bigger than Aurora's old 11 pounder). They all bowled (in general) for the first time since the spring and man have I heard subtle complaints about sore arms as they got back into the swing of things. Then we went and got school clothes--new jeans, new shirts, new shoes (for Patrick)... They are quite happy with their purchases and are now ready to face the school year without embarassment (Rei had holes in his jeans, and holes are NOT allowed in any shape or form!). Happily, the school relaxed it's rule on skulls this year so they can again wear things that are not too graphic or disturbing (almost all male clothing has a skull on it somewhere!) and that expands their wardrobes considerably from last year...
We also had an assortment of friends here off and on all weekend. Rei had a friend spend the night Friday night, Aurora had one over on Saturday night. And yesterday Eric and I ran to St. Louis to check out a yarn shop I had heard rave reviews of. It lived up to it's hype and I came home with some lovely yarns to make Christmas gifts with. Quite a satisfying outing! I was pleased, and I really met some nice people there. In fact, I had to laugh because Eric spent some time explaining to one of the older women we met how wonderful it is that his mom and I get along so well and how much he enjoys seeing us sitting in the living room doing our projects together (this was in reference to her sharing how she and her mother in law used to do similar projects and how much they learned from each other). We still need to get groceries bought (didn't get around to it yesterday), and I need to do Eric and my laundry, but in general it was a fantastically productive weekend! Eric and I had family time, we had us time, and we even got some EQ playing in together! Couldn't have asked for better!
This morning I am enjoying a quiet house. I have all the windows open, I have my cup of coffee, and I am basking like the cats in the sunshine and breezes. I have a list of things I need to get done while Eric and the kids are all in school, but it 's nothing too onerous. Eric has to do an oral presentation today so he got dressed up for it, and I have to admit I think it's kinda funny: his class is on transportation and cargo security (something he is militarily an expert at), and he has to discuss potential terrorist attacks/targets in an area local to us--how it could be carried out, how it could be averted. Scary stuff when you come right down to it. We have been talking about it for weeks now (he and I) because I did a lot of the research for it for him. He should do fine.
Brianne continues to report that things are going well at AIT. She is learning to drive trucks, and while she is at the large size at the moment, semi's are coming up next. Scary stuff! We were looking into getting a pay-as-you-go air card for her laptop--apparently there are so many people trying to utilize the ports they have, even wirelessly, that as soon as you think you are situated you get bumped off by someone else. It's really expensive though, and for many you need to sign a 2 year commitment... Not in our budget at the moment! The payg one is a bit more affordable, until you look at usage (mbs used vs just minutes) and given what she wants it for, it could quickly become a fiscal burden to her. We will give her the details and let her decide. She said she had a pass this weekend and was going off base with three other girls; haven't talked to her since then, so my assumption is she had fun.
The rest of the kids are doing well. No word yet on when Alexis' surger is scheduled for, but my guess is it will be mid-September to mid-October sometime. Liisa baby sat them yesterday and called me last night with numerous wonderful anecdotes. Really makes me miss them! Alexis was focused on carrying around "Uncle Rei's" picture on Liisa's cell phone, and when the pic blacked out she would get all upset and ask for where he had gone. As soon as Liisa restored it she was happy again. She was also insisting she had bunnies in her ears. And Justin was playing "video games" now on his leapfrog learning system. Liis says he is really good at them. The best part of her night though was after their baths, when they cuddled up next to her like the puppies do and they watched Peter Pan ("you're not a lady; you're just a sister!"). Tony is preparing for another 2 week training expedition, this time to Wisconsin, leaving the end of the week (still Army Reserve), and Andrea starts a class tomorrow at the local junior college.
I guess I should go find myself more coffee and some breakfast; it's getting to be that time. And I really want to get our bedroom cleaned before Eric gets home and needs to lay down for a couple hours (he works his long week starting tonight). I think this is going to be a good week for us--it's started out quite nicely!
We also had an assortment of friends here off and on all weekend. Rei had a friend spend the night Friday night, Aurora had one over on Saturday night. And yesterday Eric and I ran to St. Louis to check out a yarn shop I had heard rave reviews of. It lived up to it's hype and I came home with some lovely yarns to make Christmas gifts with. Quite a satisfying outing! I was pleased, and I really met some nice people there. In fact, I had to laugh because Eric spent some time explaining to one of the older women we met how wonderful it is that his mom and I get along so well and how much he enjoys seeing us sitting in the living room doing our projects together (this was in reference to her sharing how she and her mother in law used to do similar projects and how much they learned from each other). We still need to get groceries bought (didn't get around to it yesterday), and I need to do Eric and my laundry, but in general it was a fantastically productive weekend! Eric and I had family time, we had us time, and we even got some EQ playing in together! Couldn't have asked for better!
This morning I am enjoying a quiet house. I have all the windows open, I have my cup of coffee, and I am basking like the cats in the sunshine and breezes. I have a list of things I need to get done while Eric and the kids are all in school, but it 's nothing too onerous. Eric has to do an oral presentation today so he got dressed up for it, and I have to admit I think it's kinda funny: his class is on transportation and cargo security (something he is militarily an expert at), and he has to discuss potential terrorist attacks/targets in an area local to us--how it could be carried out, how it could be averted. Scary stuff when you come right down to it. We have been talking about it for weeks now (he and I) because I did a lot of the research for it for him. He should do fine.
Brianne continues to report that things are going well at AIT. She is learning to drive trucks, and while she is at the large size at the moment, semi's are coming up next. Scary stuff! We were looking into getting a pay-as-you-go air card for her laptop--apparently there are so many people trying to utilize the ports they have, even wirelessly, that as soon as you think you are situated you get bumped off by someone else. It's really expensive though, and for many you need to sign a 2 year commitment... Not in our budget at the moment! The payg one is a bit more affordable, until you look at usage (mbs used vs just minutes) and given what she wants it for, it could quickly become a fiscal burden to her. We will give her the details and let her decide. She said she had a pass this weekend and was going off base with three other girls; haven't talked to her since then, so my assumption is she had fun.
The rest of the kids are doing well. No word yet on when Alexis' surger is scheduled for, but my guess is it will be mid-September to mid-October sometime. Liisa baby sat them yesterday and called me last night with numerous wonderful anecdotes. Really makes me miss them! Alexis was focused on carrying around "Uncle Rei's" picture on Liisa's cell phone, and when the pic blacked out she would get all upset and ask for where he had gone. As soon as Liisa restored it she was happy again. She was also insisting she had bunnies in her ears. And Justin was playing "video games" now on his leapfrog learning system. Liis says he is really good at them. The best part of her night though was after their baths, when they cuddled up next to her like the puppies do and they watched Peter Pan ("you're not a lady; you're just a sister!"). Tony is preparing for another 2 week training expedition, this time to Wisconsin, leaving the end of the week (still Army Reserve), and Andrea starts a class tomorrow at the local junior college.
I guess I should go find myself more coffee and some breakfast; it's getting to be that time. And I really want to get our bedroom cleaned before Eric gets home and needs to lay down for a couple hours (he works his long week starting tonight). I think this is going to be a good week for us--it's started out quite nicely!
Friday, August 21, 2009
Just a quick note
We have a busy weekend planned. Patrick wants to go to St. Louis to see the City Museum this weekend, something we were going to do for his birthday; the Travel League try-outs are this weekend for the base youth bowling league (Patrick and Aurora both qualified for try-outs), and, we have school clothes shopping to try and complete. Eric is off this weekend and I think we need it! I still need to call and check on my work schedule for the weekend/week (I hope I have Sunday off!) and I have heard the weather is supposed to be really nice. It would be great to have a family weekend with everyone home and on the same page--it'll be the first one in a long time! I wish Brie could be here too (and I wish my kids and the babies were here as well) but one can't have everything... Selfishly, I would also like to squeeze in some one-on-one time with Eric; we have had such a busy week we have had no time for "just us" and it shows.
Anyway, here's to a good weekend! Cheers!
Anyway, here's to a good weekend! Cheers!
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