Feeling like I need to slow down some!

This is my horoscope for today, and man, is it accurate!

Friday, Mar 23rd, 2012 -- Today you may wish you were on a fishing boat, in a monastery or off on a long hike in the wilderness. In fact, you might prefer to be anywhere that relieves you of having to interact with too many people. It's not that you don't enjoy being with close friends and family; it's just that you have been tugged in too many directions lately and you need a chance to regroup your thoughts. If you are able to engineer some down time, avoid the temptation to fill it with noise. Unplug and listen to your heart.

In my mind I am craving my hammock swing, hanging under a big old tree, with a book, a beverage, mottled sunlight, a light breeze, and NO interruptions!  Finding a place of peace and quiet, to regroup and collect my thoughts has been next to impossible this past month, and while I have loved much of the commotion, at heart I am a person who craves solitude and quiet, and there has not been much of that available of late.

My final paper for this last term, which I thoroughly enjoyed, got an A on it, and even more exciting, I got an offer from the instructor to help me in any way she can to use it either for professional development or publication.  Publication has always been a dream of mine, and her words shook me to the core.  I want to take an opportunity to try, but I am also scared to death of falling flat on my face.  The worst thing that could happen is for it to be turned down, which I can certainly deal with; I think in some regards, I am almost more afraid of success...  Best of all possible worlds, she is my instructor again this coming term, and she just lives over in St. Louis, so that a face-to-face professional relationship is possible.  I just need to reach out and accept what is being offered.

I have also been struggling with feelings of guilt and worry over Liisa and the house.  I knew, and she knew, that there were issues with it going in, things that would need to be taken care of, and probably sooner than later, but she is now dealing with no power to her upstairs bedrooms and the power flickering when going up and down the stairs.  The problem is in the wiring, and she currently doesn't have major funds available to rewire the house.  Fortunately, my brother-in-law knows a reliable electrician who checked things over for her, and he is going to be rewiring the upstairs for her, bringing it up to code, and then, as she can afford it, will aid her in bringing the rest of the house up as well.  It's not the crisis we initally thought it was, but it's bad enough and she had many sleepless days (she works overnights) in which to fear for her house burning down due to an electrical fire.  Then there is the roof needing to be redone too.  She has approached Habitat for Humanity, and they have sent her an application; if she can find workers to help in the labor, they can aid in providing supplies at an affordable cost, she she is doing that as well (applying for assistance).  My guilt stems from not being able to do more to help her (it was my house after all, and I knew it was in need of repairs I couldn't afford back in the day as well), and of course, when she calls scared and crying, it's hard to be so far away.

Tony and Andrea have settled into their new house and are so happy.  I cannot wait to see it, and that is another thing weighing on me.  I am missing out on so much of their lives, especially Justin and Alexis, and I had always wanted to be a hands-on grandma and not a long-distance one.  I miss my kids with an ache that isn't easily soothed, and I am not sure when I will next be able to see them.  Gas prices down here in my corner of IL are at $4.19/gal and that is crazy!  Airfare is better, but finding the time to go that won't detract from the needs of the rest of the family is harder. 

Eric and I took yesterday afternoon to go out to lunch (we went to our favorite Mexican restaurant, Margarita's), and had a nice long lunch and conversation.  One of the things we talked about is that our lives today are no where close to what we envisioned 4 years ago when we got engaged.  Not that they are bad, or that we would trade away the blessings we have; only that things are way different than what we envisioned back at the beginning.  For one thing, there is the privacy issue.  We appreciate having the ability to help the kids and to have them all home (and Skye too), but we have no place that is just "ours," nor privacy to even talk without the risk of being overheard, contradicted, or echoed...  And the opportunity to get away for a weekend every couple of months or so, that hasn't happened more than a couple of times in the past 3.5 years!  We talked about the need for another vehicle, but finances preclude our going that route at the moment, and we also talked about my taking on paid employment, and all that would entail, from being at the mercy of someone else's schedule regarding hours, to negotiating childcare for Skye, and transportation issues between Aurora, Eric, and I (their work and school needs against my needs to get somewhere); It isn't impossible, just logistically trying!

Then we walked around Lowes for a good hour and a half.  I picked up paint chips of colors I want for the house: the main floor, the loft, our bedroom, and the adjoining bathroom and closet.  I pointed out some mosaic glass tiling I would love to put in the backsplash in the kitchen, and I also picked out a color I would love to see on the counters and the island (and we would really like to put a bigger top on the island, so that the outside edge of it makes a breakfast bar).  We looked at ceiling fans to replace the one in the family room and to put one in the stairwell to help with air circulation, and we dreamed.  We spent no money at all, coming home only with paintchips and ideas, but it was refreshing! I slept better last night than I have in a long while, and I woke up this morning feeling peaceful rather than agitated.

Dan has left for basic training.  He is at the same base Brie had been at, so that is kinda cool. Aurora is doing ok with his being gone although I think she's feeling lonely.  Patrick is working lots of evenings, so he is gone a lot, and I never honestly know what his plans are as he comes and goes like a ghost much of the time. Brie is Brie: life, love, school, work, and parenting all juggling for precedence and her doing the best she can to stay on top of all of it; and Skye was seen at the clinic yesterday because of a rash she developed at the nape of her neck and down her back: they think it started as a reaction to sweating (like a heat rash) and became a bit more eczema like.  She has some ointment for it, and it does look better today (she's had it over a week). Eric's new term started this week and he has classes 2 evenings: Monday and Wednesday (which kinda sucks because he bowls Wednesday nights--although that season is coming to an end shortly). My new term doesn't start til April 9th and I have my books all ordered.

The gardens are flourishing from all the warmth we've had of 9 record breaking days in the 80's; now we are rainy and in the low 60's, but the rains are nice and the trees are greening up beautifully.  The roses are starting to bud, and the spring flowers--hyaciths, daffodils, and tulips-are elegant, as are the boldness of the forsythia bushes in their bright yellow glory.  I have spent a lot of time outside, and Skye loves the freedom of walking the sidewalks with me exploring the yards around us.

Anyhow, speaking of Skye, she is hollering at me, so I guess she isn't ready to nap quite yet.  Time to go get the girl and figure out what it is she needs!

In which I post an upbeat update!

Yesterday was another great day: this weather is blowing my mind--to be sitting outside for much of the day, in a tank top and shorts, in MID-MARCH!!!!--it's fantastically wierd!  My final paper for the term is due tomorrow afternoon by 5 p.m., and I feel like I have a great handle on it.  My goal is to finish it today, sit on it overnight, then proof it tomorrow and send it.  I am relaxed and on top of things (knock wood it stays that way), and feeling really good about this term, and life in general.

Yesterday I also chatted briefly with my "Miss Alexis" on skype: Liisa went over to Tony's to give me a tour of their new house (via her iPad and skype), with Alexis as tourguide; that went by the wayside when Tony had the power turned off at the pole so he could take down a tree in the yard, but Liisa and Alexis took pictures instead and text-messaged them to me so I could see.  It made me smile!  Andrea informed me that Tony is taking wonderful care of her, putting in a dishwasher for her in the kitchen, and other new appliances (they needed updating), and they have started painting.  She made me laugh though when she said I needed to drive up there to pick them all up, to bring them back to me house for a visit (so a 20 hour round trip, lol), then drive them back home afterwards...  Her last solo drive down here was a nightmare for her, so she is in no hurry to repeat it (hit a raccoon, got a speeding ticket, and got car-sick on the drive down; missed her first major turn off on the way back and ended up in Kansas City on her way home and added 8 hours to her drive...)

I admit, I am really homesick and need to spend some time back north with the family, but between gas prices and everything else going on, it just seems impossible to pick a time to travel... 

Hmmm  Skye is yelling for me, so I guess I need to go get her: she had such a busy day yesterday and last night (went to the Zoo with mama and a friend, then went shopping for some new spring/summer clothes) that it was close to 11 when she finally fell asleep last night.  No wonder she slept in til almost 11 today!  Not to mention DST is still screwing with her sleep schedule...

It feels like I lost an hour of sleep somewhere...

and man do I hate DST!  Not the time shift itself, once I get used to it, because I love the hours of daylight.  It's the body realignment I hate and readjusting one's circadian rythm.  In this day and age, there really is no longer a need for the hour shift either way, and it would be lovely if we could pick a schedule and keep to it!

Things have settled back to whatever passes for normal around here.  Eric is on his second week of a "spring break" of sorts, aka his between term break.  I am on my last week of my term, with just a paper and a couple of assignments to do.  I plan to get a head start on some of that today so I am not trying to type frantically on Friday to finish it all up.

Yesterday was a lovely and productive day, spent mostly working on schoolwork, interspersed with a little time outside embroidering the last few stitches on blocks 1 & 2 of the Catacademy block of the month quilt.  It has been a relaxing project to do, and one I am enjoying doing completely by hand.  Not conducive to doing with Skye, but I find putting aside one or two blocks of time each week is rewarding. I have slowed down on my March sock challenge, in part because the frentic knitting I did on it over the week we had company has been replaced by other priorities. I am almost done with the foot though, and should finish it this week, giving me still 2 weeks to do the second one.  I screwed up one of the cables early on, and decided to just go with it, calling it a design element, because by the time I realized I had twisted the cable in reverse, I was too far along to justify ripping it back.  Can't say this is one of my favorite socks to knit (although I do like cabling), but it's got just enough challenge to be interesting without being repetitious.

Skye has come down with a cold, and it sounds like Eric is fussing with one too.  My allergies are bugging me again after a lovely respite from them (I think I need to just bite the bullet and use the Nasonex daily--it really seems to help, as much as I hate it). Brie is on spring break next week, so no classes for her, and I think Aurora is too, but I am not 100% sure on that.  She has been bowling in sectional all weekend, and while she was pleased with some of her individual scores, they weren't quite high enough (she doesn't think) to go on to nationals, and her team too isn't doing as well as she'd like.  Hopefully today will be a good day for them and she will be happy with how they place.

I was talking to Eric about plans for the coming week (his short week working) and one of my goals is to take my bike to the repair shop and get the pedal crank fixed so it doesn't clack. Then I want us to get the bike cart put together for Skye (was a goal not met from last year) so I can start building up my endurance with her on back.  It will give me some mobility options for when I am vehicle-less, and with gas prices rising, biking looks like a good option for at least local transportation.

Yesterday when I went to sit outside I threw Grandma Hap's shawl over my shoulders to help cut the breeze, and it was neat to realize it smelled like her perfume. It made me smile, and I felt like I was given a hug as I sat in the back yard with my embroidery and my coffee.  What a nice experience it was, and it felt like a blessing or a benediction from her on a lovely sunny day.

Regrouping...

Today is a day for regrouping. 

Great-Grandma Hap passed away on Friday morning, after a brief illness and renal failure.  Her funeral service was yesterday, a day filled with family, conversations, memories, and movement (mostly chasing Skye around--18 month-olds aren't big on sitting or conversation when there are new dogs and things to explore!)  Liisa and Zack flew home to MN yesterday as well, and most of my weekend was spent treating them to the site-seeing tasks of what we could fit in over the weekend, keeping the distractions as minimized for my spouse as possible (who was trying valiantly to get homework and end of term tasks done in the midst of family and funeral arrangements), and entertaining.

There were lots of things we had hoped to accomplish over the weekend, none of which were fully completed to satisfaction, but all in all it was a good weekend, and a loving send-off to a woman who spent almost 102 years on this earth.  The neatest thing was that Grandma Hap was lucid and present, even up until she went to sleep Thursday night, when she shared with Mom she was ready to go home to the Lord, and she never woke back up after that.  Her faith was celebrated at her funeral, and she looked lovely and at peace.  Skye wanted so badly to wake her up, recognizing her from the other times she had seen her, and when we said goodbye before they closed the casket Skye waved and said "bye bye" as she does when she goes to bed.  It was rewarding and heart-tugging all at the same time.

I was glad there was no school yesterday for the 18 and under set (some Polish explorer has a state holiday here in IL that the elementary thru high schools give a holiday for), so Rei was able to spend that time with Liisa and Zack, running around with them and riding the train to the airport with them so they weren't completely abandoned by us (they, of course, fully understood and had no problem sharing their weekend with our family emergency/sadness, and I was so glad to have them here). It worked out for us all!

Today everyone is back in school, Eric's parents are here by us, Skye is still sleeping (bless her heart, she is exhausted and off schedule too), and Eric is finally able to relax some with his parents and visit without his homework hanging over his head (he had yesterday and today as bereavement days from work). I have had a cup of coffee, have read for a couple of hours, and am enjoying some much needed peace and quiet as well, although I will head downstairs and be social shortly.

It's going to be a peaceful, relaxing day!

Bipolar weather patterns...

It's supposed to be in the 60's again today, then a cold front is supposed to come through for the weekend.  I am so confused on how to dress, and while I love having a window cracked open for the fresh breeze, one never knows what it will be like next.  Today it's overcast (hence holding the heat in I guess?) but smells like rain, and I guess that wouldn't be so bad--I would rather have it rain and get it over with than sit with these gloomy grey skies, even if it is warm out.

Reimond has the Influenza A, diagonsed at the clinic and confirmed by the hospital lab next door to the clinic. He has been a pretty sick cookie, and like the swine flu of a few years ago, hit him suddenly like a ton of bricks.  I need to run to Walmart and get an rx for Aurora and I of tamiflu (preventatively) and we are supposed to watch Skye fairly closely, given she is a bit small to give the meds to, but has been exposed as well (Eric and Brie had flu shots, and Patrick is rarely home). Rei has been out of school for this week again, but they are being great about it.

I am looking forward to next week when Liisa and Zack arrive. They will be here on the first and through the fifth. It will be wonderful to see her and spend some quality time getting to know Zack better on my turf. I really need to work on some of the house stuff, but honestly, my get-up-and-go is somewhere on strike, and I can't seem to get myself motivated to do much of anything.  I did get my 34 year old cedar chest lid re-covered and padded, and it looks wonderful (got tired of the supplies shifting around and gathering dust). I am pleased with how it turned out, and only took about an hour or so to do by myself. I am almost done with the second sock for Februrary's SKA challenge, and I even finished chart 2 on the Evenstar shawl! It is looking lovely but there is a twisted stitch decrease that I have not yet mastered and I find myself doing it even in my dreams trying to wrap my mind around the directions for it...  It's currently sitting back in "time-out" while I finish the sock and plan what one I want to do for March.

I am feeling guilty because a lot of what I haven't been doing I have blamed on Skye and the time I spend with her, but really, that isn't fair.  I once upon a time managed to juggle a home daycare, chores, and projects, along with making meals and educational activities, so why am I feeling held hostage by one little girl?  Some of it, quite honestly, is that I don't have the energy these days that I did 20 years ago to multitask and/or switch gears at a moment's notice; some of it is that I enjoy giving her undivided attention at times, when it's just her and I; and some of it is that so much of what I do/want to do isn't childproofed or child-contained.  I can block her into the living room and much of there is childproofed, but the kitchen/sewing room/hallway/front room/stairs is unblockable, and she is quick and curious. She wants to be exploring and she isn't content to just stay by me in any one spot. This stops me from laying out patterns (unless I drag everything into the living room), or focusing on making anything elaborate in the kitchen (including doing dishes or mopping the floor) when she is underfoot, and she is NOT content to be in the living room or the high chair for any length of time "alone."  Even 6 years ago when I had Justin, the house in Minneapolis was easy to zone and childproof, whereas here the "open floor plan" makes it a trial to have "containment areas" for her OR the dogs!

I am dreaming of making doll clothes and stitching on garments for me. I came across a website that has gorgeous heirloom stitched doll clothes on it for collector dolls that has me in awe, and I just got my little dragon boy from Denver Doll and he needs clothes (and he needs to have his wings, tail, and feet "painted" as well, something I am excited to try). I look, and I dream, and I plan, but so far it has all been a mental exercise without tangible outcomes.  I would love to change that.

My class continues to be interesting, and I am looking forward to starting my paper.  I have all my resources printed off and need to start reading them.  That is one of my goals for this weekend when Eric is working. We went to the winery for dinner on Saturday night, and I have to acknowledge that it was the first time I was disappointed in the meal I ordered. I had ordered a chicken jambalaya, which had been the featured item at their Friday night MardiGras meal/special, but it was overcooked (leftover, I am guessing from the previous day) and while it had hotness to it, it was "tasteless" (or, as Eric said, there was one flavor to it rather than a blending of flavors). Not only didn't I care for it, I think it didn't agree with my system (esp. combined with wine), and I spent Sunday with an upset tummy all day/evening. I didn't even eat it all--Eric traded me his entree for mine and finished it for me, while I ate his much tastier Jack Daniels chicken, but the wines were nice, and we had a wonderful conversation about all kinds of things.  They have a new strawberry wine (not yet labelled, so they can only sell it by the glass) that tastes like strawberry soda and is wonderful! Can't wait til it's labelled so we can buy it by the bottle. What we did discover is why we generally wait for nicer weather to go there: they had a wedding reception going in their reception room, so it was loud in the main wine tasting room, and when we took our bottle upstairs to drink it there wasn't as much "ambience" as there normally is when we go outside.  The reception did feature a professional fireworks display that was short but lovely over the lake, and that was cool.

One drawback to my big boy being sick and self-quarentined to his room is that I have to wait on him, and I swear I am getting a workout running up and down the stairs.... Time to get him some lunch!

Musings on a Sunday morning.

• I have been really enjoying Pinterest, a new site that touts itself as an electronic bulletin board.  I think of it more like a magazine: I look at pictures, click on things that interest me and go to the sites for more info, and I "pin" things that either look do-able to me, inspire me, or intrigue me.  It is a time waster, true, but it is also a great source of ideas and inspiration!
• Courtesy of Pinterest, I just found a watercolor artist whose landscapes really speak to my soul. His name is Z. L. Feng, and I adore his work! The colors are amazing and subtle, the play of light, shadow, and water....  I miss open water. I miss my lakes and rivers of home, and I miss the sound of running, moving water. I would love to have one of his prints to grace my wall, where I could look at it and dream.  What an amazing talent he has!
• It's as close to a perfect winter's day as we get down here, minus snow on the ground.  Clear, blue skies, sunny, and crisp but cold!  It's invigorating, and ennervating, and I want to bundle up and just stand outside and soak up the atmosphere!
• I continue to read the mystery series centered on Alaska and really wish I could see it "someday." Not sure why it speaks to me as it does, but I love the descriptions of the land, the people, the crafts, the way of life...  God knows I would never make it functioning on subsistence living (killing one's own meat, butchering and processing it, canning, living off the land...  I am too freaked out by dead animals and wouldn't know where to start for the rest!) but the idea of it appeals, especially the reverence held for the elders, and the passing down of ways of life and otherwise lost arts.
• Reimond's girlfriend lives in Alaska currently, and she just got permission to come down for his Prom in May.  She had lived here (on the airforce base, and went to school with him, which is how they met), and he has been invited to visit her in AK this summer, if we can make it happen.  I hope we can, because it would be an amazing experience for him, and a part of me is jealous at the idea (see above--I'd love to go too!)
• I learned yesterday that a dear friend who has struggled with health issues of varying sorts may have early stage Multiple Sclerosis (MS). I am in shock, because this news comes out of the blue, a result of an MRI on her brain because of some lasting damage she sustained in a car accident a few years ago.  The damage they found related to the accident would not explain some of the symptoms she is experiencing, but the damage they found would, and is unrelated to the accident but would explain some things she has experienced in the past few years.  I feel so lost right now, because I want to be there to help and support her; I feel helpless to be so far away; I started looking at patterns for things I might make to send her to show my love when I am so far away, and I want to cry, because I am familiar with worst-case scenarios.  This is a degenerative disease that there is no cure for, although everyone experiences it differently, and there are degrees of disability that accompany it.  I am torn because on the one hand I want to scream at God and ask "WHY!!!????" as this friend has had to deal with so many trials and challenges,and it seems so unfair; while on the other hand I find myself trying to accept, knowing that God has his reasons, and we need to trust in his mercy and grace. As I said, I feel so helpless right now as I pray, ponder, and prepare for what will be...
• I have been thinking a lot about my past (the single parent years) as I go through the various topics under discussion in my current class ("Topics in Child and Adolescent Development"). We are taking a look at development through the filter of a larger lens, that of public policy, law, and social values; a "macrosystems perspective" for those familiar with Bronfenbrenner, or a "multidimensional filter" as discussed by our primary source...  In the past few weeks I have reviewed the effects the economy and economic system affected my ability to parent and my decision-making during those years (child care, paying bills, spending habits, etc), healthcare policies (managed care, how changes in medical benefits created havoc in my budget because of increased co-pays), education polices (how it affected my children's education compared to my own, the differences between MN and IL); and this week's topic is mental health policies, which I am all too familiar with...
• I have been alternating various projects and trying to spend time on different things. I have returned to knitting on my Evenstar Shawl (such fine yarn!), I have continued to work on backstitching and beading my Lady of Shalott, I still have my second Feb. SKA sock to knit, and I have some sewing I want to do (including a polar fleece hooded jacket I want to make up using my serger!). It's hard to pick and choose things that I can do around Skye, because at times she is adamant in her desire to help me--and I envision her pulling needles out of knitting, unravelling skeins of yarn, and losing pins/needles on sewing...  I am focusing on things that need a minimum of concentration and few supplies when I am on baby duty, and save the more complicated things for when she is napping, sleeping at night, or I am off childcare duties.
• I have not been on Everquest as much as I would like to be (it's been a week again since I last logged on) because I just haven't had the time/interest in getting involved in anything too time consuming; By the time it gets to be 8:30/9 p.m. all I want to do is get into my jammies, find some simple handwork, watch a little tv, and unwind from the day, not log into a game that will suck me in for hours at a time. That, to me, is the biggest difference between EQ and video games: video games you can play, start and stop at your leisure. EQ moves on, whether you are there or not, and if you get too far behind, you are "lost." I love the social aspect of the game, and the competition of it, but I also like the "soloing" when I can just do what I want to, when I want to. Maybe that's what I will do today: play EQ on my own for a bit! (but I still want to sew too).
• I have been procrastinating on my meal planning, in part because I never know who is going to be home, and in part because I have been lazy.  I have been making some crockpot dishes lately that I love--fix it and forget it, and eat when everyone is home.  Love that kind of cooking!
• I went to the BX on Friday afternoon when I was out doing errands, and got some really cute new things for myself at 75% off, in fitted styles (mostly tops), and a maxi skirt that I really like.  Eric said we would go to the winery next weekend for our valentine's day celebration, and I wanted something fun to wear. 
• Brie, Skye, and Jason are getting ready to take off (didn't realize until a couple of hours ago that I was off babysitting duty--it's a drill weekend after all) so I have the afternoon to myself!

Finally Winter?

The temps have dropped to the teens, killing our flowers of early spring...  It's not terrible to have it finally feel like winter for a few days--we might even get some snow that sticks early next week--and I am relieved to say I have finally started to feel better.  I added Nasonex back into my routine of morning meds and it seems to be taking care of the swelling/allergy symptoms side of things.  Love not feeling like my head is gonna explode!

It has been a painful week in many regards.  Brie, who was buying a car online, was the victim of an elaborate scam, and has at this point lost her money and the vehicle she thought se was getting.  The police have been notified, as has been Ebay cars and western union. Hopefully something can be done to stop these horrible people, but in the meantime, she is heartsick and sad.

Aurora too has had some trials.  There are things going on with her bowling team she had concerns about, and because she took it up with the coaches, she and a friend both have a one tournament suspension. It seems unfair, and we are all angry about it on her behalf, but it doesn't feel like there is much that can be done at this point that won't  make things worse, and Aurora is accepting it with good grace, under the circumstances.

Eric is in the process of getting his assignments completed for the term, of which there are two weeks left for him. I am at the midpoint of my term, and am finding this class to be interesting, challenging, and more "global" than I am used to (we need to look at things from the widest lens--the govenrment policy position, and how these things affect the individual and child/adolescent development).  I am unused to looking at things from so broad a perspective, and it has been a challenge to find resources to support or even determine a position on some issues.  The terms seem to be going well for all of our other students (which covers everyone BUT Patrick and Skye, heehee), and we are settling into the routine fairly well.  Dan is helping with transportation for the nonce because Brie's current car needs some work, and he is headed to basic training sometime in March. We are enjoying having the full house, but sometimes it does feel a bit chaotic, especially around mealtimes, and headcounts are not always reliable.

Liisa and Zack are coming down the first weekend in March.  It will be his first time here, and he hasn't done too much traveling.  I am thinking Mascoutah may be a bit of a shock to him! He is a city boy through and through. Tony and Andrea closed on their house and have moved their belongings in.  I am so excited for them, and I cannot wait to see it!

That's the scoop from around here for now...  Time for more coffee and returning to the books!