Those of you who know me well, or have known me for what feels like forever, know that I always get kinda blue and nostalgic around my children's birthdays. This year is no different for me. I tried to explain it to Eric, and I am not sure if I made sense with what I was trying to say. It's not that I am so sad they are a year older (Tony just turned 25 last Thursday, and Rei will be 16 tomorrow); it's more that it's another year of letting go, of watching them move forward into new directions without me, of knowing that I cannot keep or protect them from what the future holds. It's a time of reflection for me on the infants they were, on the children they became, on the challenges of their growing and developing, and of the mistakes I made, as well as the things I did right. I don't see the changes as dramatically in Tony and Liisa from year to year anymore, given they are both adults, but Reimond's changes this year have been remarkable. He is as tall (if not taller) than Tony (and Tony is almost 6'3"), although he is still as skinny as a rail; he's settled down some--not a lot, but some, and school is going better for him this year than last year. His voice has deepened, his maturity level is improving, and he is just a really neat person in and of himself. He has qualities that are similar to his siblings, or to me and Jim, but he is totally his own person, with interesting thoughts, ideas, and dreams. I am so very grateful God brought him to me when he did, after I had given up on the idea of having any more babies. Reimond has made my life so rich, and despite the challenges we had in raising another baby, I am so glad I have him. He has been my reason for being on more than one occasion (like after my dad died, and after Jim left), and we have been through a lot, me and my kids, always together.
I am feeling really tearful today, and while there is nothing TO cry over, the emotions are there close to the surface today. It's been a long while since they have been this close. I can't say it's homesickness, because I have realized over the past weeks (since getting home from Minneapolis) how much I have become settled here in Mascoutah. I like the countryside. I like the trees and the open spaces. I like the quieter pace in many regards. I like the weather (for the most part--the tornadoes could go far far away), and I and finding my place down here. I like the space, and I like the peacefulness. Eric has given me more in these last two years than I had ever imagined having. The companionship, the love, the comfort of having someone to share things with, and the security of being "taken care of" has meant so very much to me, and I am so very happy within my relationship. That isn't to say we don't have our ups and downs--all couples do--but we work them through and talk things out. I feel so very blessed. The future isn't so overwhelming knowing I have Eric beside me.
A part of all the birthdays in May (and June too), is taking stock. I have been taking stock of projects that need finishing, of dreams that need accomplishing, of plans for the future, and of things that I have completed. In the last two years so many things have moved to the completed side of the board, far more than I imagined. There are still many things to do, all new, but the old stuff is moving it's way into the past. It's such a good feeling. I have so much to be thankful for. Maybe that is what the tearfulness is about: tears of joy and gratitude. My heart is so full, the feelings are leaking out my eyes...
I won't say I am completely satisfied with myself. There are still many things I wish I were better at or more on top of. But on the whole, life is good, and there are things to strive towards. I guess that is my goal for "MY" new upcoming year: to be content and yet move forward. Sounds like a good plan!
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