Ponderings and prayers

I have had a lot on my mind this week, lots of deep thoughts on a lot of subjects. Today I read a couple of things that are offering perspective.

The first was a blog by a young woman in her mid-twenties, who is living in a poor community in an African country, and she has adopted a number of girls who call her "mommy". She went there originally (if I am understanding her back story correctly) on a mission trip, and fell in love with the people and their needs. She wants to reflect Jesus' life in her interactions with all, and in the course of that mission has aided the building of a school, the delivery system of bringing medicine and comfort to the ill, and providing food and spiritual support to the people in her tiny village and the surrounding villages. She posted a blog about giving one's all in faith, not knowing the outcomes, because God is gracious and provides, and His love endures. It was something I needed to read today, and I am not doing it justice. The link though is in my sidebar.

Then just about a half hour ago, in checking my emails, I saw I had a caring bridge notification update. A friend of Liisa's started that blog for her mother, who was diagnosed in December with pancreatic cancer that had metastisized to her liver. The update said that June was brought home from the hospital and hospice was instituted because she has entered end-stage renal failure and it's now just a matter of time. Three months to go from ignorant of the cancer diagnosis to being in the final stages of it.  She is more or less my age, and I know her daughter fairly well. My heart is breaking for that family. My heart is breaking for Liisa too, who knew and really like this mom.

As a mother it begs the question for me of "how do you say goodbye?" My mother is still healthy and vital at 73. Eric's mom is equally healthy and vital, as am I. But things can change so quickly, sometimes in a heartbeat, as I know from losing my dad, my first mother-in-law. And there is so much to say, to teach, to instill. I don't feel like my job of being a parent is anywhere near to being done, and I know that there is still so much my kids need me for, even if there are sometimes hundreds of miles between us (physically, and at times emotionally). My mom has been there for me through so many of life's ups and downs, and I see her getting older, getting tired more easily, seeming to be a bit more fragile. I am not ready to give her up yet, nor am I prepared in any way for becoming the matriarch of my family, as I became in Jim's family after his mom's passing. I feel like there is so much that I have taken for granted in both directions. And this makes me stop and think.

There is so much of life that is out of our control. The weather, other people, the whims of fate; I have come to accept that I can be a perfectionist over many things, and that I have control issues: I want to know, I want to understand, and I want to have a plan. Sometimes though, nothing goes as scheduled. There are other factors at work, other motives and needs in play, other perspectives that need to be taken into account. It isn't always about me and what I want or think I need. And I need to give it to God, to trust in His plan, to know that He does provide sufficient grace for each day no matter how much I have to struggle thru or with. And my job is to trust in Him, in His goodness, in His vision and direction for my life. Because the reality is, there is little I can control on my own except for my own beliefs, my own thoughts, my own reactions to things. And that it's okay, and will be okay, because I am not alone. God is with me. Just as God is holding June in His hand as he prepares to lead her home, and he holds her family in His hand as He provides comfort, strength, and peace to them.

In the good times, the comfortable times, it's easy to walk in faith, to proclaim God's grace and goodness. In hindsight one can see God's goodness and grace in action during those times of trial. It is only in the here and now that it's hard to walk in faith, when things feel upside down, when things are not necessarily following my personal script, that I need to turn to God anyway and say "thy will be done." Even when it's so very hard to do, because I don't like ambiguity or change, no matter how necessary. For those who read this blog, please understand, things ARE going fine here, and there is nothing specific that has brought me to these mental ponderings. It is more an accummulation of little things that are swirling in my brain, and sometimes I need to wax philisophical as I try to find order and direction.  My heart is heavy for June and her family, her husband, children and grandchildren. I have also been feeling strongly that I need to spend some time back in Mpls visiting family without an agenda, to spend some time with my mom, my kids, my grandkids. Added into the mix is grey, gloomy skies, snow this morning (and more predicted for tomorrow), a fussy baby who does NOT want to nap today but needs one desperately, and it all contributes to me feeling heavy today.

I am grateful for the blogs I follow because each in their own way offer words of wisdom, sometimes at the oddest of times, and I am grateful for my family and friends, who keep me grounded in love and in prayers. Thanks for walking this walk with me!

Added 26 March, 2011: June lost her battle with cancer early this morning, 3 months and 11 days after being diagnosed with it. She died at home, with her family all together near her, and her passing was peaceful. Please keep her family in your prayers though. She was a beloved wife, mother, and grandmother, just a few years older than me.