Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Mid-November blahs...

As some may be aware, it has been a hell of a month and a half. My beautiful Liisa found out she was pregnant in mid October, and was very excited about it. It was confirmed at the doctor's office, and an ultrasound was scheduled to confirm the baby's location, given her previous ectopic pregnancy a year ago May. They couldn't find the fetus on the ultrasound,  and the tech rather blasély suggested it was probably ectopic, not knowing anything about Liisa's past history. Liisa talked to the clinic, they rescheduled an ultrasound, and she was told any signs of spotting to go to the ER. Sure enough, she started spotting, and followed up at the ER and the multiple clinic appointments and further ultrasounds that ensued. At first it was thought that the fetus was just too small/young to be seen, given her hormone levels, and everything else looked good, so we were cautiously hopeful. Then, on Halloween she got the sad news: the pregnancy was ectopic, in her remaining Fallopian tube. They attempted a chemical termination in the hopes of saving her tube, and she had a rough time of it--the medication made her quite ill-- but it didn't end the pregnancy. At her follow up on 11-6 they found the fetus, with a heartbeat, still developing, near her left ovary. The heartbreaking decision had to be made to terminate surgically, ending all Liisa and Zack's hopes of having a baby of their own "the old fashioned way" (IVF is a possibility, but horrendously expensive). 

Liisa physically came through the surgery just fine. The surgeon found extensive endometriosis and concluded that was the probable cause of her ectopic pregnancies: there was tissue in the tube, and scarring, not allowing the fetus to travel where it needed to, and nothing anyone could have helped or predicted. Emotionally, we are all heartbroken that there is another little soul in heaven with my dad, waiting to meet us "someday".  I am sure my father has his hands full with my sister's two lost babies, and now Liisa's two as well. It makes me smile to envision it, remembering back to his one time changing Tony as a baby and putting the pampers on backwards... Liisa and Zack are dealing with this as well as can be expected. In some ways this time is easier, having been through it before, while in others it is so much harder, given the finality of the outcome. We are confident that God is with them, and that there is a purpose and a plan, but we sure have been angry at Him for how this has gone. 

On a separate note, my final class has been extremely stressful, as I try to learn about, and understand the processes of group therapy. I have co-facilitated groups; I created and ran a group (obviously based on what I am learning now, completely by the seat of my pants...); and I have facilitated groups using planned materials. But I never really studied groups before (other than in sociology classes) or group therapeutic processes. So where I generally give 100% to my studies, I feel like this class, (like with the neuropsych class) I am working and giving 200% so that I understand the materials fully, rather than just giving lip service to them, as some students do. Eric says I am looking for the grade above an A+; I just want to understand the material fully. Call it my own insecurities, but the closer I get to working with real people in real settings, the more I fear screwing up because I misunderstood something, or used a technique wrong. In some regard I do see myself as perfectionist as I hold myself to high standards, but I also take very seriously that I am "messing with people's minds" and I don't want to steer anyone wrong or cause harm.

There are other stressors too, some positive, some not so great. Money remains tight given the economy, along with school and family obligations, so I ended up not going to MN to be with Liisa during this time of sadness. Thank God for technology though: we have spent hours on the phone or iPad together, and she told me she feels very loved and supported. Her work has been great, and family and friends in MN have wrapped their arms around Zack and Liisa with love, comfort, and support. 

Brianne has found 2 jobs now, one as a part time seasonal sales clerk, the other as a bank teller. James is still job seeking, and he and Skye manage the home front while she works. I will have Skye again this weekend as Brie is working and James has a guard mission to go on. She is thrilled to be coming to MyGrandma's and I am trying to get assignments done ahead (two due this weekend) so I can devote my attention to her. 

Patrick has started working again at Pizza Hut and it's interesting to see what he occasionally brings home for leftovers... His schedule is pretty random right now, but we are glad he's working. Aurora is getting a little burnt out, between bowling, school, and working, although she doesn't work a ton of hours. Poor kid just has very little free time! We went out for her birthday dinner, and Eric is shaking his head that his baby is now 20... I have til May before I experience that. Then there will officially be no more teens in the household! Aurora is overall doing well at school, and is keeping her grades where she wants them. She is struggling a bit bowling though, so Eric is spending some time when he can just going to the lanes with her to "support" her in her practice. Reimond seems to be doing well his first semester as a college student, and I am going over to meet him at SWIC tomorrow to look at registering for his spring semester (needs moral support).

Wow, Eric is up after only three hours of sleep today... It's his day off, but still. Time to enjoy my spouse being home.