Spike is on his way to drop off his paper at school, and then he and the kids are headed north; his parents are on the train headed west. I am here thinking my thoughts, planning my day, and praying some. I am so excited to be joining my life to this wonderful man's, of making a home and a family with him out of the separate pieces of our past lives. It is like a quilt we are putting together: the individual patches being placed into the whole, then stitched together with love and attention to detail, making something stronger, more servicable than any one of the component parts alone. Each piece adding its own fire, color, flavor to the whole without losing any of that which makes it special and unique. I cannot wait!
I am emotional too. Yesterday I cried, over toys of all things, and making decisions on what is worth keeping, what is worth parting with. Bingo didn't have an opinion, at least according to him, and I was tired of making all the decisions for him. I wanted him to be definitive, only he couldn't/wouldn't be. And I started to cry. He got upset then, and told me it isn't a big deal, but in that moment it felt like it was! Even today, as I look at what I have on the list to accomplish before everyone arrives it feels overwhelming. It just isn't all gonna get done, and I cannot make it happen. So I have to let go a little. Ceesee said I don't have to take everything this trip--I can keep a corner in the basement to store things til next time, but I hate to do that to her. I wanted to have it all done and gone through. But I underestimated the time it would take to deal with everything, or the misc. things that would crop up and get in the way of my time, and I underestimated my own ambivalence about going through some of it as well... I am not in panic mode, not yet, but I do feel overwhelmed. I want this new life of mine with all my heart and being, but I also dread leaving my old life. It has been a safe, comfortable rut for the past 10 years, and while it has NEVER been easy life, it has been mine. Now everything is so unknown... Where am I gonna put everyone one for 5 days???? We are already full to the rafters just with the people who live here, and now we are adding in 5 more for a few days! Spike is bringing with a tent, and air mattresses, so that should help a little, and I am sure the kids will enjoy "roughing it" in the backyard... But I am stressing!
And on the practical side, it is not like I am going to the ends of the earth. I will be in cell phone, telephone, email, webcam, and IM distance; I can be back in under 2 hours by plane (fares allowing), and I can drive it in 10 hours... It's not like when GI Joe was in Iraq and I had to be constantly afraid of what might be happening and having only limited contact with him... I can easily chat with my "babies" whenever I need to. It is going to be fine, I know. It is just so very hard to let go.