Sunday, September 25, 2011

In a funk

I am overtired today, and feeling pretty stressed out.  Yesterday afternoon Rei and I had a few go-rounds about his status of being grounded for not going to bowling in the morning, and this escalated to the point that he packed a backpack with clothes, gave me his cell phone and told me "good luck finding me now," and he snuck out the back door when I thought he was in his room and I was in the front yard crying, praying, and trying to calm down.  He was gone for about 3 hours, and I was honestly concerned, because his emotional state has been somewhat (ok, totally) labile of late and I didn't know what his plan was.  He came home either fully expecting that things would be fine or prepared to battle. The battle ensued, he broke some items, and he showed me a burn on his hand (fairly minor) that he had given himself with a lighter, and resulted in his saying he just wanted to die, had nothing to live for, and just didn't care anymore. He also insisted he wasn't going to live here anymore and started packing some of his belongings.  Long story short, I ended up calling 911 and getting support from the police, to whom he also said he wanted to die, and he was taken by ambulance to a hospital over in St. Louis that has a strong inpatient adolescent psych program.

We were in the ER for about 10 hours, when they finally completed all the assessment process to admit him, and we (Eric and I) got home about 5:30 this morning.  My nerves are shot right now.  It is so hard to acknowledge that your kid needs something you cannot provide as a parent, and it is a decision made harder when he is feeling so hopeless. Of course today his song is that everything is fine, he doesn't need to be there anymore, and he wants to come home (due in part to his not being allowed his cell phone or ipod, and there being strictly enforced rules and routines in place).  I am not buying it; this has been going on too long, and needs to be addressed. I am hoping that they are wise enough to see through his act and push him a bit--his true status comes through under stress. We have an appointment with the therapy staff tomorrow at 11, so a treatment plan will be developed at that point.

I am perfectly comfortable with where he is as far as care goes, at least thus far.  Their handbook reads like ours from CRTC and I know how effective our program was. It offers a closely structured day, accountability, support, and a chance to make positive choices and learn better/more effective coping skills, something he needs. I am also worn out. I feel like I could sleep forever.  I got up at 10 this morning, so 4.5 hours of sleep, and I napped another 2 hours this afternoon (Eric just laid down himself); I feel worn out, weary, and drained. Yesterday was such an emotional day, and I have obviously left out a lot of particulars.

It is so hard to be in this spot for me, because I have been here before and I know that only time will work out what needs to be dealt with, along with honesty, soul-searching, prayers, and unconditional love. I am feeling like somewhere along the way I didn't provide Rei with something he needed, that somehow I have failed him as a mother/parent; and I am in this moment taking some of this extremely personally. I blame the school as well for adding fuel to this conflagation that occurred, because perhaps if they had handled things better he wouldn't be as down on himself as he currently is. Rightly or wrongly, that is a part of how I feel.

I am also feeling guilty because I have very little patience for Skye right now. Brie had tickets to a concert with her boyfriend for today/tonight, and the are also getting a hotel room (something I was unaware of until just before she left). She arranged babysitting with Aurora's boyfriend Dan, and I am leaving it to him. I am also staying out of sight because when she sees me she cries, tries to cling, and won't let me out of her grasp. I am happy to hold and love her, but my patience is limited with the pick me up/put me down/pick me up game she has been playing the past few days, combined with tantruming if she doesn't get her way. I know she is teething and her mouth is sore, and I also know we are transitioning her to milk from formula. But my nerves are shot right now, and I just need to relax and be quiet.

There is no discharge plan in place for Rei as yet; it will be based on him, his behavior, and how comfortable staff feel about his ability to keep himself safe. I need to call the school tomorrow to arrange for his homework, and will be taking this a day at a time. He is limited in who he can have contact with, and phone privileges and visiting hours are strictly regulated. The hospital is about an hour from here, and visiting hours are from 6-7, so I will be hitting rush hour traffic getting over to see him. I need to go pick up a few items for him and pack a bag of clothes and hygiene items that I can bring when we go over tomorrow, but I (and immediate family) are able to call and check on him any time.

I knew this weekend was going to be busy, but I had no idea how stressful it would be!

On a more positive note, Aurora did well at her first college bowling tournament: the girls team came in 3rd, and she came in tied for second place in the individual standings.  The boys ended up in 5th place. Brie's birthday party for Skye went fine, although very few of the people who said they would be there showed up; it was small, but sweet for her.  I didn't go because I was too upset over the stuff with Rei, and was uncomfortable being social and happy when my eyes and nose were obviously tear-stained and I was stressed.

Please keep us in your prayers as we move forward, and thanks for caring!

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