This is my horoscope for today, and man, is it accurate!
Friday, Mar 23rd, 2012 -- Today you may wish you were on a fishing boat, in a monastery or off on a long hike in the wilderness. In fact, you might prefer to be anywhere that relieves you of having to interact with too many people. It's not that you don't enjoy being with close friends and family; it's just that you have been tugged in too many directions lately and you need a chance to regroup your thoughts. If you are able to engineer some down time, avoid the temptation to fill it with noise. Unplug and listen to your heart.
In my mind I am craving my hammock swing, hanging under a big old tree, with a book, a beverage, mottled sunlight, a light breeze, and NO interruptions! Finding a place of peace and quiet, to regroup and collect my thoughts has been next to impossible this past month, and while I have loved much of the commotion, at heart I am a person who craves solitude and quiet, and there has not been much of that available of late.
My final paper for this last term, which I thoroughly enjoyed, got an A on it, and even more exciting, I got an offer from the instructor to help me in any way she can to use it either for professional development or publication. Publication has always been a dream of mine, and her words shook me to the core. I want to take an opportunity to try, but I am also scared to death of falling flat on my face. The worst thing that could happen is for it to be turned down, which I can certainly deal with; I think in some regards, I am almost more afraid of success... Best of all possible worlds, she is my instructor again this coming term, and she just lives over in St. Louis, so that a face-to-face professional relationship is possible. I just need to reach out and accept what is being offered.
I have also been struggling with feelings of guilt and worry over Liisa and the house. I knew, and she knew, that there were issues with it going in, things that would need to be taken care of, and probably sooner than later, but she is now dealing with no power to her upstairs bedrooms and the power flickering when going up and down the stairs. The problem is in the wiring, and she currently doesn't have major funds available to rewire the house. Fortunately, my brother-in-law knows a reliable electrician who checked things over for her, and he is going to be rewiring the upstairs for her, bringing it up to code, and then, as she can afford it, will aid her in bringing the rest of the house up as well. It's not the crisis we initally thought it was, but it's bad enough and she had many sleepless days (she works overnights) in which to fear for her house burning down due to an electrical fire. Then there is the roof needing to be redone too. She has approached Habitat for Humanity, and they have sent her an application; if she can find workers to help in the labor, they can aid in providing supplies at an affordable cost, she she is doing that as well (applying for assistance). My guilt stems from not being able to do more to help her (it was my house after all, and I knew it was in need of repairs I couldn't afford back in the day as well), and of course, when she calls scared and crying, it's hard to be so far away.
Tony and Andrea have settled into their new house and are so happy. I cannot wait to see it, and that is another thing weighing on me. I am missing out on so much of their lives, especially Justin and Alexis, and I had always wanted to be a hands-on grandma and not a long-distance one. I miss my kids with an ache that isn't easily soothed, and I am not sure when I will next be able to see them. Gas prices down here in my corner of IL are at $4.19/gal and that is crazy! Airfare is better, but finding the time to go that won't detract from the needs of the rest of the family is harder.
Eric and I took yesterday afternoon to go out to lunch (we went to our favorite Mexican restaurant, Margarita's), and had a nice long lunch and conversation. One of the things we talked about is that our lives today are no where close to what we envisioned 4 years ago when we got engaged. Not that they are bad, or that we would trade away the blessings we have; only that things are way different than what we envisioned back at the beginning. For one thing, there is the privacy issue. We appreciate having the ability to help the kids and to have them all home (and Skye too), but we have no place that is just "ours," nor privacy to even talk without the risk of being overheard, contradicted, or echoed... And the opportunity to get away for a weekend every couple of months or so, that hasn't happened more than a couple of times in the past 3.5 years! We talked about the need for another vehicle, but finances preclude our going that route at the moment, and we also talked about my taking on paid employment, and all that would entail, from being at the mercy of someone else's schedule regarding hours, to negotiating childcare for Skye, and transportation issues between Aurora, Eric, and I (their work and school needs against my needs to get somewhere); It isn't impossible, just logistically trying!
Then we walked around Lowes for a good hour and a half. I picked up paint chips of colors I want for the house: the main floor, the loft, our bedroom, and the adjoining bathroom and closet. I pointed out some mosaic glass tiling I would love to put in the backsplash in the kitchen, and I also picked out a color I would love to see on the counters and the island (and we would really like to put a bigger top on the island, so that the outside edge of it makes a breakfast bar). We looked at ceiling fans to replace the one in the family room and to put one in the stairwell to help with air circulation, and we dreamed. We spent no money at all, coming home only with paintchips and ideas, but it was refreshing! I slept better last night than I have in a long while, and I woke up this morning feeling peaceful rather than agitated.
Dan has left for basic training. He is at the same base Brie had been at, so that is kinda cool. Aurora is doing ok with his being gone although I think she's feeling lonely. Patrick is working lots of evenings, so he is gone a lot, and I never honestly know what his plans are as he comes and goes like a ghost much of the time. Brie is Brie: life, love, school, work, and parenting all juggling for precedence and her doing the best she can to stay on top of all of it; and Skye was seen at the clinic yesterday because of a rash she developed at the nape of her neck and down her back: they think it started as a reaction to sweating (like a heat rash) and became a bit more eczema like. She has some ointment for it, and it does look better today (she's had it over a week). Eric's new term started this week and he has classes 2 evenings: Monday and Wednesday (which kinda sucks because he bowls Wednesday nights--although that season is coming to an end shortly). My new term doesn't start til April 9th and I have my books all ordered.
The gardens are flourishing from all the warmth we've had of 9 record breaking days in the 80's; now we are rainy and in the low 60's, but the rains are nice and the trees are greening up beautifully. The roses are starting to bud, and the spring flowers--hyaciths, daffodils, and tulips-are elegant, as are the boldness of the forsythia bushes in their bright yellow glory. I have spent a lot of time outside, and Skye loves the freedom of walking the sidewalks with me exploring the yards around us.
Anyhow, speaking of Skye, she is hollering at me, so I guess she isn't ready to nap quite yet. Time to go get the girl and figure out what it is she needs!
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