The last day of my old life...

and then onto the first day of the rest of my life! In 24 hours I will be done with working at a place I have been for the past 15+ years. I am having a lot of feelings about it, some happy, some bittersweet, some sad. I have devoted myself to providing the best care that I could to our clients, to being a role model and support for both the clients and the staff, and to being true to my values and who I am as an individual. I have not always succeeded, and my clinical skills over the last few years especially have not been utilized to their full potential, but I gave them my all. In offering all I had, I was successful in so many ways--just not monetarily. It was/is a non-profit organization, and the salary could have been better, but it provided enough that we could get by, and because of my longevity there, they were flexible with the needs of my family, of which I have been the sole breadwinner for for so many years.

I am disappointed that they chose not to acknowledge my accomplishments and contributions to the center in a more public or monetary manner. There was a cookout for three of us who were leaving at the same time, but there was no public "thank you for your years of service" speech offered, nor was there any gift beyond a card given; the attendance at the cookout seemed half-hearted--not all of the staff were there, despite being invited to do so, and it just felt flat. There were people there who were important to me, and they were wonderful: they know what I have offered, where I have come from, and how I have grown and changed within the field and the roles I have played, but it would have been nice to be acknowledged--either as a thank you for your service, or at the very least, a congratulations on your upcoming wedding and best wishes for your future... It all felt superficial and generic. And it hurt. I am not sure what I expected with it, but it wasn't what I had hoped for, and even tonight, the night before my last shift, there was nothing on my desk--no plant, no gift card, no anything to acknowledge that I was leaving. It made me sad. I have bought note cards to write individual messages to each of the kids, along with a statement of "what it means to be human". I will be leaving one for each child, along with a "blo-pop" for each of them by their doors when I leave tomorrow night, and I plan to get some roses from Target ($9.99 for a bunch) and put some on each unit and on the front desk, along with notes for the admin staff and the unit staff. As mom said, just because they chose to not treat me well, doesn't mean I cannot leave with class. I am not going to miss the position, but I AM going to miss the kids, both past and present, whose lives I know I have touched and had an impact on... That is where the true rewards have been for me, and it is what I will treasure.

It is going to be weird leaving the center for the last time at midnight tomorrow night: leaving my massive ring of keys behind, having someone else lock the doors behind me... I have NEVER, not since I was 11 years old, been without employment. I have always had a job lined up that I was moving to from the one I was leaving, and now, there isn't one pre-arranged... No interviews lined up, no applications already in... I am not sure if it feels good or bad yet. It just feels weird to think about. I am kinda scared, and kinda exhilarated, both at the same time. The scary part is that my fiance doesn't have gainful employment as yet either, so we are gonna be struggling some for bit. I know I am qualified to walk into a number of jobs--I just hope and pray that something will fall into place so that I can help him to make ends meet.

I am also grieving all the changes taking place on the home front. My eldest child is buying my house and we close the end of the month. She is excited to be taking over the responsibilities and the changes that need to occur, and I am relieved to be out from under that debt (being caught in the sub-prime mortgage scandal was a nightmare for me financially--I felt like I was drowning and couldn't keep above water! Her mortgage balance will be higher than what I owed, but her interest rate is half of what I was paying with my rotten credit, so ultimately she can afford to do this whereas I could not, not anymore. I fought so hard to keep this roof over our heads when their father left us, and I tried so hard to be sure we had what we needed. It is a relief to know that she will have this house and love it and care for it, and that I can still "come home" to visit when ever I want. It's just the packing up of 23.5 years of memories, and of seeing things change. It isn't mine any more. I really have no say in what happens now, or how things get done. And while I am not being pushed out the door, I sorta feel like I am. I feel so overwhelmed and lost sometimes, and I don't even know where to begin. I don't want to take it all with me, but I want time to go through it all, to say goodbye and part with things on my terms--not be rushed into split second decisions and be "done for". Tonight my youngest was asked to go through some of his things and decide what he wanted to keep or let go of, and he melted down--said he doesn't want to pack and move, doesn't want to leave... and yet he has also been looking forward to it, to the point he wanted to stay south when I came home and just come back in time for the wedding! He and I are in the same space, I think. We want to be in our new lives but we also want to keep our old ones. When I talked to him tonight he said he felt like he was in the way here at home with all the changes. I am feeling that way too. I really no longer have a space that is totally my own--my bedroom is community property and everyone is in here; but I am sure it is even worse for Bingo--he doesn't even have a bedroom anymore! He has clothes between the basement and my room, and he sleeps on the couch. He has no privacy either--sometimes he hangs with me in my room just to have some peace and space. He has actually been "living" at his buddy's house, where he is loved and accepted, because he feels like he has a place and there are "things to do". Poor kid, I worry so about how all this is going to play out for both of us.

I am so in love with my fiance: he is everything I have dreamed of in a partner and spouse. He is NOT perfect by any means, and I am finding little things that irritate me at times, but they are so outweighed by the fact that he loves me and he wants to share his life with me. We are so good together, and I am so hopeful things will be all that I want. He makes me happy, and he wants to take care of me, and love me, and make my life better. He has already done that just by being himself--and being there for me when I have needed him. I know I can rely on him to listen and to talk things out with me, and I am confident that we are both going into this marriage for the same reasons. We are friends first and foremost, as well as partners, companions, soul mates... We share the same values and goals... I cannot wait to be with this man for the rest of my life, despite being scared to move 600 miles away from everyone I know and love. He is offering me a fresh start at life, a new beginning, and I am grasping it with both hands. As hokey as it sounds, the first time we kissed I knew I had "come home", and that sense has not evaporated or changed in these last 10 months. Things have happened quickly, and I worry that maybe we should have taken more time, but everyone is supportive of this, of us; his kids accept me and my family, and he accepts my kids and my family. We are gonna be the freaking Brady Bunch: 3 boys, 3 girls, plus 2 grand babies, a daughter-in-law, and maybe someday son-in-law on both sides; plus 3 cats and 3 dogs... Life is NOT gonna be boring--that is for sure!

It is gonna be difficult for me to say goodbye to my family, to my city. I love the lakes and the parkways of home, I love my house and my backyard and my neighborhood; I love the convenience of being able to go downtown or to the malls with little difficulty, of having reliable mass transportation and getting places in a matter of minutes versus long commutes; I am going to miss my grand babies desperately, and I am going to miss my kids and my sibs and my mom and the assorted nieces and nephews... It is so very hard to say goodbye to my family and friends--sure I don't see many of them all that often--it is more communicating by email or phone calls as it is, and that won't change, but to be 600 miles/10 hours away from my kids--right now we are all under one roof and to leave them is breaking my heart on one level, even as I rejoice that I am gaining a larger family. I pray my mom's health stays good, and my "older/younger brother" remains healthy...I have no idea what I will do if something happens when I am so far away. For 46 years I have been no more that 15 minutes away. To leave my yard and my gardens... I have been promised we will make frequent trips back here, and that eventually we will come back to stay... At least right now I really want that. But maybe we (Bingo and I) will both become settled down there and home will take on a new meaning. That is partially the reason for this blog--to have a way to communicate with my extended family, share pictures, etc all in one spot, rather than sending multiple emails... Or maybe I will just keep this just for me. Who knows. This is just my trial run at this format.

I am realistic: I know things are not gonna be easy for any of us. My Princess needs to figure out how to be less black and white and be flexible with those she loves; she has some work ahead of her to do in turning this house into a home for herself and those she loves; my GI Joe needs to settle down and find his way to create a home for his family as well. I worry so about both of them, but as a dear mentor said, I have given them roots and guidance; now I have to trust them to learn and grown as adults, which includes making their own mistakes if need be, and figuring out how to manage without Mom right there to jump in... God it is so hard to step back and watch sometimes, especially when I see them hurting and worried and stressed. But I too need to accept this chance of happiness for me, of seeing my dreams and goals move forward. I have always put them first--even now I am for my youngest in a way, because he needs a strong male role model in his live, and Spike will be that for him. I am so grateful I have him in my life! Bingo deserves to have a father-figure who will be there for him in all sense of the word. I know things are not gonna be easy for Bingo and I either as we enter an already established household and family structure. There is gonna need to be conversations, compromise, and patience, not always a strong suit of teenagers. And then there will be the drama of the ex's--both his and mine to contend with at times, and differing expectations or parenting styles... Yeah, it is gonna be interesting.

So I finish work in less than 24 hours, I turn in my keys, and I get a good-night's sleep, because Monday is the first day of the rest of my life. Bingo and I are headed south to our new home with a load of belongings, to stay for a week, start organizing where we fit in, and celebrate being a family unit. We will collect Spike's oldest from basic training mid week, which means we will have our first family road trip over distance, we will begin our premarital counselling, and we will fine-tune some of our plans--both for the wedding and real life! Then after 7 days of activity and possible confusion Bingo and I will head back north to finish packing, prepare for the wedding, and say our goodbyes.

Life is definitely bittersweet,stressful, and chaotic at the moment!