Anthony last Wednesday (May 6th) and Reimond (today). It is so hard to believe that my boys are each another year older. Tony is now 24, and Reimond is 15. It seems like it was just a few months ago that they were each babes in arms, and yet today both stand taller than me. Wow. I never get depressed about my own birthdays, but it seems to me that my kid's birthdays are bittersweet for me, because it forces me to reflect on the changes that have occurred and how much they have grown. It's another step closer to letting go of the reins and seeing where they are going to steer on their own. As both my mom and my wonderful mother-in-law have said, you never stop being a parent, no matter how old your children get, and the worrying never goes away, but the joy and the pride in the people they become grows exponentially as well.
When I look at Tony I think what a wonderful man he has become. He still has some of his rough edges, some of his wildness, but it has been tempered by the experiences he has had in life, including that hell year in Iraq. He seems stronger somehow, and a little less impulsive, a bit more thoughtful, and a lot more open to differences. I had hoped this coming year would be one of happiness and success for him, but unfortunately, it looks like it will be another one of struggles, growth, and refining. He and Andrea are having many differences, and it shows in both of them. Life can be difficult, with those difficulties magnified when a couple is not on the same page, let alone in the same chapter or book. I am not sure if they will be able to reconcile those differences, although I hope so, and I worry for how these things will affect their two little ones. It is so hard to be so far away right now when I know that my kids are hurting. Tony is seriously considering redeploying to Iraq when his unit (Reserves) deploys in September, and he will be doing some travelling this summer as they send him to different training sites around the country. I am so glad he has the military to fall back on (he's done with school this month), but I hate it that he is going to be gone so much from the kids. It's hard to maintain a marital relationship long distance, yet I also know he is doing it as a way of supporting his family in these difficult financial times. And I like it that the military helps him to stay focused and directed; it gives him structure and definition and it has really helped him to be the person he wants to be. It recognizes his strengths and has helped him to use them to their fullest capacity. I see such pride in him when he is in uniform, and I am grateful that it is there for him now.
I recognize the stresses Andrea is under too. She is working at an emotionally (and at times physically) taxing job, one that she doesn't really enjoy all that much, she wants to go back to school, she married young and has had the primary responsibility for the babies since they were born (with Tony's being gone so much with the Army), and life has been challenging for her as well. She lost her father almost 3 years ago, her mom has remarried, and I have moved 600 miles away. Her supports are few and far between. Neither her nor Tony have had much time to build a strong marriage together, and both are strong-willed, strong-minded people, with their own goals and ambitions. I am equally sure there are things I am not privy to going on, as there are in any relationship, and I pray so hard for them, that they find wisdom, strength, comfort, and direction. She sounds so drained when I talk to her on the phone. My heart hurts for both of them. Her birthday is on Tuesday (the 19th) and she will be 23. So many changes packed into such a short period of time, and she has done so well with all of them. I wish I were closer and could be of more help to both of them! I have given it over into God's hands: He can be where I cannot, and He knows better than I what they need most. I only want for them to be happy!
In reflecting on Reimond too, I see so much growth and change. Despite his occasional grumbling about our move down here, I see that in so many ways it's been good for him. No, high school hasn't been easy for him, but he has made friends, he has a decent relationship with Eric, and really seems to appreciate him (most of the time anyways, heehee), and he shows glimpses of the man he's growing to be. He still is too impulsive for his own good, he still acts without thinking it through, but he also continues to be sensitive to other's feelings, tries hard to do what is right, and gives his all where it counts. I really like him as a person, and I see in him so many wonderful characteristics and qualities. I am grateful I have been able to give him opportunities I was unable to give to the older two, especially the gift of my time and attention (because I can be home with him when it counts), and I am so very grateful for the relationship we share. My "surprise package" baby has been such a joy to me, and God truly had a plan when he brought Rei into being. I had given up all thoughts of a third child when he came into being, and yet he was my reason for being after my dad died--he made me get up when I would have rather stayed locked in my sadness; he has kept me young, and involved in a way I might have not been once Liisa and Tony were grown, and he forced me to make some hard decisions at times they needed to be made, because I really had to take into consideration what was best for him, and not just focused on me and my own needs or desires. He is such a neat kid and I am blessed to have him!
Life here continues to be stressful. Part of what we are experiencing can best be described as "growing pains". Brianne and Patrick both (to greater and lesser degrees) want the priveleges associated with being treated as "young adults" but neither are willing (or able) to accept equally the responsibilities and obligations that go with being treated as such. The issues can be boiled down into two headings: communication, and family obligation. Both have taken to using the house as a place to crash, but are not being real good about letting us know where they are going, what their plans are, when they will (or won't) be home, and whether we should be counting on them for dinner or other plans. With the CRX still broken, Brie and I are sharing the van, but I at times, need to ask permission to use it (or clean out her things before I can use it) because she just takes it when and where she wants to. It's getting old real fast. I don't mind sharing my belongings, but I would like it to at least have it acknowledged that they are mine! Patrick has made it a point of saying he would communicate better if he had his own cell phone, however, he has taken to carrying the kid's phone, and yet he still doesn't call! Both don't let us know what their plans are, and yet get upset when they get left out of things, because they are not around! Eric and I keep bringing it back to courtesy and respect, something that has been in short supply around here of late (with all the kids at times, and not just those two), but they don't see it. They both feel mistreated and ignored, therefore their behaviors are justified. Neither feel obligated to help out here at home, unless there is something in it for them (although, again, that could be said for all the kids at one point or another), and they feel very put-upon when we expect them to do something (like clean up their own messes!). The spill-over from all the tensions of the past few months are huge and are negatively affecting all of us!
Brianne took it upon herself, twice this past week, to tell Cliff that he was unwelcome here in "her house", despite Eric (and I) telling him he was welcome here until he had things figured out for himself. He packed up his car with his worldly possessions and has since been living out of it, crashing here and there with friends as he is able to, but otherwise sleeping in his car. Our hearts are just aching for him, because he really has nothing at the moment other than his car, and no where safe to go. We are keeping the lines of communication open for him, and he is now, and always will be welcome here (despite Brianne's opinion); we are pretty much the only family this kid has. Brie has started dating, which we fully support, but we are also encouraging her to be respectful about it. She is such a neat person, and has so many wonderful qualities about her; we want her to be happy and successful. It's just that she can be so terribly stubborn, and unfortunately, it seems she needs to learn by experience rather than taking our word for some things. She is walking a very hard road right now and burning some bridges she may regret later destroying. The hubris of youth! There are so many things we wish we could spare her, but she is determined to do it her own way, and all we can do is let go and pray.
Ptrick too is bound and determined to walk his own road, and given he'll be 18 in August, we are trying to let him have some room. My guess is re-doing his senior year next year is taking a toll on his self-esteem right now, and unfortunately, he sees himself at the bottom of the family pecking order right now, so it's just easier to be gone rather than try to make things different/better. He does need some freedoms and independence, but sometimes his decision-making is questionable, and that makes it harder to give him free reign. He's letting his emotions get the best of him right now, and while I am a great believer in everyone being entitled to their feelings ("all feelings are valid"), I am an equal believer that "feelings are NOT facts" and that just because one feels a certain way that does not give them the right to treat others accordingly... He is walking a hard road right now, and we wish there were some way we could make it easier for him...
Fortunately, Aurora seems to be doing ok right now, and Rei seems pretty stable too... Eric and I have made a point this week of stealing some time for us, and that is helping too. Last night he and I went out to the movies. We saw Star Trek and we loved it. They did a really nice job of integrating things from the original series into the story line (back-story wise), and we laughed at so much that was familiar. They updated the set of the enterprise, because audiences today wouldn't buy the old sets, while keeping the old costumes/uniforms, and while the special effects were cool, they were equally "staged" (not sure if I am describing that right--they looked sorta surreal as opposed to trying to be realistic). Eric and I really enjoyed it and wouldn't mind seeing it again/eventually owning it. He and I are doing ok, and I'm glad. I don't like it when we feel off-kilter. He is back on day shifts now until July and I am so glad for that. We can get back to some kind of normal again.
My birthday boy and Aurora are home from school, so I guess I will get this posted. Still have chores to get done, and I am trying to decide if it's worth sitting outside at all--keeps getting black like bad storms, and the wind is fierce, then the sun comes out for a bit, and it's humid as all get-out today! Cliff is taking Rei out for a bit this afternoon, and I am gonna just "be" for a little while.
No comments:
Post a Comment