I was teasing Eric that he can make all the "old" cracks he wants--regardless of how old he gets to be, I will always be 5 years and 8 days older than him. My age really doesn't bother me much, and I don't try to keep it a secret or anything. I will be 47 tomorrow. Three years from 50. Wow! Some people get really freaked out about age, but for me, it's just a number. I feel the same as I did when I was in my late teens/early 20's. Just a bit wiser (at least I hope so!) and not as in shape (I don't have the stamina/bounce back from things like I used to have). I am comfortable in myself and in my skin. I wish I were in better physical shape sometimes (weight-wise/muscle tone), but Eric and I bought Wii Fit yesterday as a birthday present for the two of us, and I am looking forward to playing on it. I like who I am as a person, I like where I am in life, and while I still have goals to accomplish, I don't look back with regret on any facet of my life. I am who I am now because of what I had to work through and experience, and it has made me into someone whom I hope is honest, strong, empathetic, and experienced in so many ways. I look forward to this coming year, with all that it has to offer, and I have plans of what I want to still accomplish both personally and professionally. God has been good to me and has been faithful in making sure I have had all that I need; I have lived by faith and Grace to this point, and don't see that changing in the future.
I had Eric read through some past blog entries I wrote, because I was concerned he might be unhappy with my honesty about our struggles with Brie, Patrick, and some of the other kids. He was in agreement with them, so I have kept them up. I really want this blog to be a "letter" to my family and friends, but it is also a place for me to voice my thoughts and opinions, and to process through things that are going on. Sometimes it's hard to find that right balance between honesty and attitude, because I do want to be fair to all parties involved and not misrepresent issues as being all one-sided. That being said, things continue to be a struggle with our oldest two on the issues of communication and courtesy. Brie had drill all weekend, and said she would be home Sunday night. She had been unwilling to participate in a discussion on respect and household expectations, so she was not allowed to take the van for the weekend. Because of this, she chose not to come home at all, until 5:30 am, where she grabbed her work clothes, then got a ride "from a friend" to work. She posted a status a few days back on "Facebook" that said "I'm living my life on MY terms, and loving it" (adding in "who needs boys anyways?"), and essentially that is what she is doing. Eric called her phone last night to see what was going on and what her plans were, and it became another arguement, so we are not sure what to do. She is loved so very much, and cared about so greatly. How can she NOT see that her behaviors and decisions are what are causing the chasms between her and the family? To not communicate with us about her plans or her needs, but then expect everyone to bend over backwards to accommodate her... It's hard! And as I said before, she is burning bridges she may later regret having destroyed...
Patrick too isn't seeing how his decisions to not be home, to not check in, and to not follow through on things are resulting in his not getting what he wants from us. He is essentially alienating himself from the family, then gets upset because "no one tells him anything"!!! He goes off after school with friends, he "sneaks in" when he comes home at night and goes straight to his room/bed so we have no clue that he is even home; then he gets upset that we are frustrated. His idea of checking in is to call and say (three-four hours after the fact) "I'm with X and Y." Period. No "I'll be home by __________" or anything! Bah! I am NOT looking forward to this summer: he isn't registered for summer school, he doesn't have a job set up, and if he thinks he is gonna run the roads with friends all summer with no responsibilities... Let's just say it's not gonna happen.
Reimond too is struggling, primarily with school. I checked his grades today and they are NOT where I'd like them to be. This year has been hard and while I have done my best to smooth what I can for him, he has made choices that have consequences, and he has to deal with the results. At times I see real progress, but other times I see him coasting and goofing off. I have tried so hard to impose artificial structure to his day (such as doing homework right after school, making sure he has all the things he needs to be successful tool-wise, helping him when he keeps me in the loop), but the bottom line is that he sees no purpose or satisfaction on following through and would rather do it as he pleases... I get so discouraged sometimes. There is a part of me that wants to rescue him and make it better, but I know that does him a huge disservice, so I have to just let him deal with it, while being supportive and caring where it's appropriate.
Aurora had a wonderful time in Branson, and came home with lots of pictures and lots of memories. She brought home two really cute shot glasses for Eric, which was very sweet of her, and she showed me a picture she took of a quilt shop in Branson--her way of enticing us to return there for a family trip. I think it would be a lot of fun to go there, and given it's fairly close by, I bet we could do it for a weekend trip sometime. Aurora really has blossomed in this year plus that I have known her. She seems confident and comfortable with herself and she is a really neat person. She continues to have strong ideas and opinions on things, but the power struggles with her are generally few and far between (although when they DO happen, watch out! She is a stubborn lil cuss!!!!). She is looking forward to the summer and driver's ed.
Eric is at school right now taking his first final of the term, then he is gonna stay after for a bit to work on some things he has to finish up. I am thinking I should get moving too--want to try and get some chores done while he is gone, so that he can have peace and quiet for studying when he gets home. So glad to see this school year draw to a close!
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