Grey Monday...

It's grey and gloomy out, and I am at loose ends today.  It's partially having too much on my plate and not knowing where to start.  I have postings due today that I MUST get on, but I cannot seem to make myself start them.  Instead, I have finished a novel I was reading, I have started laundry, I bounced the dogs in and out...  I am procrastinating because I just don't know where to start in diving in to the writing.  I think part of it is I am scared--scared of failure, scared of not knowing my stuff (which is silly, because I know it inside and out); scared of not being able to distill it down into it's essence or tell it in my own (professional) voice.  I have paralyzed myself all of a sudden, and it sucks!  I tell myself to do it piece by piece--I know the drill, but I keep backing away like I do when I am told I need to dive into the deep end of the pool--I freeze up and cannot do it!  I think that is why I am blogging at the moment--to work my way through the fear so I can start.  Yesterday I sat with the laptop on my lap, my papers around me, my notes all in front of me, and I froze.  Couldn't do it.  It doesn't feel much better today, except that I have a deadline today of midnight tonight.  I have to do it.  I just feel like I have missing pieces still, things I wish I had concretely in front of me (like physical copies of the questionaires I propose using in my project).  I realize I don't NEED them, I can trust my judgment, but I get caught up in the mintuae of the details.  I am a perfectionist.

Stress is taking it's toll: I have a cold sore/canker sore on my bottom lip and it is swollen like I have been punched.  My nerves are also frayed: Aurora's cat is in heat and I am frustrated with the yowling; the dogs got into the trash last night and strewed things everywhere (KFC boxes and bones, hamburger trays, and other assorted food scraps...); Po is not respecting the gate at the bottom of the stairs and keeps sneaking his way up here...  (I made the executive decision that Midnight once again should be the only dog allowed up here because Po was being destructive in his peeing in the loft especially, probably to counter some of midnight's "sprinkles" due to age...)  Eric is headed back into "mids" as of tonight, and he had class this morning.  He too has homework to complete, and has been stressed about it.  He will need to come home and sleep for a bit when he gets here, then ready for his shift tonight.  

Brie was supposed to start classes today online, but her "stuff didn't go through" and "hopefully she can start in a class that begins next month before her birthday..."  She rolled out of her room around noon, and now is on the computer here in my room.  No word on the job front either.  She just doesn't seem to be terribly motivated to do anything.  She did check about getting medical insurance through the guard for her and the baby (thanks for the suggestion Andrea) and that is an option that IS available to her, for about the price of  her weekend drill pay.  I am encouraging her to get on it ASAP because these all take time to process and she is running out of time on our insurance.

Rei went with the school to Kansas City for the weekend as part of the floor crew and he had a nice time.  It was great to see him involved in something school-related.  I checked on his grades and he is doing okay--two classes need to come up some, but he actually has some A's and B's as well.  Patrick really needs to focus harder on school again; his grades are struggling, and he's been pretty heavily focused on his friend's and hanging out when he isn't at work.  Aurora is headed into the cross country season so she went out with Eric yesterday and got some warmer running gear (it's chilly and rainy here of late).  She starts running today I guess.  

Anyhow, that's what is new around here.  I had hoped writing would help give me some clarity, but of course, Eric called to chat as I was writing this out, so my thoughts are scattering like mercury.  I think when Eric gets home I will take the van, run to the library, and maybe go grab a latte somewhere; I have cabin fever something fierce on top of everything else, and it's not helping that we are still down to one vehicle between Eric and I (the pilot is still at the dealership) so I have to juggle my outings accordingly, based on who needs the van.  Perhaps getting out of the house for a bit will refresh my perspective on things!