The season of Lent, and Easter, for whatever reason, has become my favorite time of year. Partially it's because it signals the beginnings of new life (two of my boys were born in May); partially it's because the days are getting longer and brighter, the earth is renewing itself, and I can be outside more; and partially because of the meaning of Easter itself--of sacrifice, of unconditional love, of forgiveness, of rebirth. The Easter story has always resonated in my heart with feelings of joy and sorrow. As a child, I stood in awe at the pagentry of Palm Sunday, with the palm branches waving, being a child in a white robe singing the familiar hymns and songs of praise, and listening so carefully to the message being preached. Next came the solemnity of the Last Supper being instituted, and as an early adolescent in confirmation class, I learned the importance of what it really meant symbolically, rather than it just being an act everyone does every Sunday. It began to make sense to me why my Mom would prayerfully decide whether she was taking communion or not, based on where she was at emotionally and what she was thinking; and why she took that time to pray after communion instead of returning immediately to the acts of the service. Then there was Good Friday itself. I think the first time I really understood the horror of what "death on the cross" was, I was appalled and "grossed out". (I have never seen the movie "The Passion of the Christ"--Mel Gibson's movie). That feeling only magnified when I became a mother, and I placed myself with Mary at the foot of the cross. How did she bear it? I don't know that I could!
And the joy of Easter Sunday. The hymns of triumph and praise, the cleanness and newness of the white drapes around the cross, the pretty dresses and new shoes, the celebration of the forgiveness of sins and the hope of ressurection... Not to mention the easter egg hunts, the candy, the treats, and the wonderful family dinner. As a Preacher's kid, the reason for Easter always overshadowed the secular, but we were never forbidden from enjoying both. Easter began the "new year" in the church cycle, and it made sense of all that preceded it, as well as added layers of meaning to what comes next. To this day, the hymns of the lenten season and of Holy Week make me cry, being layered as they are with so many memories from growing up. We sang them as a family around the piano, we sang them as a family in church, we sang many of them in Sunday school classrooms in preparation for church services, and when I hear them, they fill me with joy, with comfort, with nostalgia.
I didn't go to church today, but that doesn't mean I am not remembering. I have those familiar hymns running through my head as I type this, and I feel at such peace with how our day has gone so far. The girls got up early this morning and made a waffle and bacon breakfast for Eric as he got home from work. They also cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom (including cleaning up after themselves from cooking this morning!) and they had made dinner last night so it was ready when I got home from work. I was so touched by all they did! Eric had a nice breakfast with the girls before he went to bed (I didn't get up with them--I wanted them to have that special time with "just daddy"). After breakfast they all went (back) to bed. When I came downstairs to make coffee, the bacon was covered and ready for me to reheat, and the waffle batter and the griddles were ready to make my own; the rest of the kitchen was clean and welcoming, and I made coffee, ate my breakfast, and am enjoying my thoughts. (Desite the fact that there is a boy sleeping on the couch in the living room who doesn't live here--he spent the night with Patrick and Patrick has apparently gone upstairs to bed, leaving Jared down here with me...)
Life is feeling better? More hopeful? On track? I am not sure how exactly to describe it. I of course, am relieved that I got my paper done. I earned a grade of 94/100 on it, and I am very pleased. Most of the scores fell into the "distinquished" category, and the two I lost points on (3 each) still left me in the "proficient" category. I feel like such a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I still need to figure out the internship piece (and will be calling the school for advice/direction as I don't necessarily want to lose my financial aid if I don't take a class next term)... But I am feeling content, that I have come full circle with my topic, my proposal, my education. I took something I began the process of learning about in my undergraduate program, applied it to my real life experiences, and proposed a study that would move things in a new direction or application. I don't say it often, and in fact, I struggle to say it most of the time, but I am feeling very proud of myself! This IS a huge accomplishement, and it IS something I have worked very hard on. Where I will go from here is in God's hands, but I feel like I have done something significant that I set out to do. I know it isn't over yet, but I feel like I have reached a safe plateau to rest and review for a bit.
On a totally separate subject, I am really struggling right now with how to write this, because I want to explain myself as supportively and tactfully as I can. Aurora called her mom last night, when she was home alone, and had words with her. She told her mom that she didn't want to go to IN for Easter, that if her mom tried to take her by force she would never speak to her again, and that if she took her against her will, she would claim she was being kidnapped. At least, that is the description I was given when I got home last night. A part of the issue is that her mom is entitled, by the divorce decree, to have Aurora for half of her spring break, which constitutes 5 days total (Maundy Thursday thru Easter Monday). Aurora has a track meet on both that Friday and that Monday, so her mom stated she would pick her up Saturday morning, and bring her back Monday (so she would be home before the meet). Unfortunately, that meant that Aurora would be missing another Easter with us (she was with her mom last year as well), along with some plans that had been made with Brie for celebrating Brie's birthday as a family (because Eric is off next weekend), and some other things she had been looking forward to down here. We had made the offer that her mom could come down Thursday, and we would put her up in a hotel room through Saturday, so she could have her time as well as go to the track meet (in other words, be a part of Aurora's life), but that wasn't feasible for her, and she also stated that there was no specification in the decree's language of which half of the break she was entitled to--which there isn't. I guess we just assumed it would be split into first or second half. Eric was trying to negotiate with his ex so that Aurora's wishes could be accommodated, but that she would also spend time with her mom, and then was planning to talk to Aurora, to see if he/we could convince her that she should spend time with her mom (we both agree that it is important for the kids to have a relationship with her), however, it was taken out of Eric's hands when his ex called Aurora directly, after hanging up with Eric, and TOLD Aurora what the plans would be on Friday night. Aurora was so upset and angry when she got off the phone, and she didn't want to listen to compromises or options as she and I talked. I am not sure when she made her decision in calling her mom, but it was totally her own idea, and she expressed her own stance, no one elses'.
When I took Aurora and Patrick home from bowling yesterday I was talking to the kids, counseling patience and understanding with their mom, that she loves them, and she wants to spend time with them, and that I feel sorry for her that she has alienated them by some of her own decisions and actions. I encouraged them to be forgiving and to try to see things from her perspective, but it's hard for them. I know I would be devasted if my kids felt about me the way they feel about her, and I realize that these are all things that occurred within their relationship long before I was even a part of this family. I just hate strife, and discord. I have such empathy for their mother, and yet I cannot change things she created on her own, and sowed the seeds for long ago. Her parenting style is so different from my own, and I don't really know her well, so I am hesitant to judge. I do realize though, that these kids have some very strong opinions and feelings right now, and that these feelings are valid and color how they in turn act. Which leaves me in a place of trying to support their positions while also encouraging them to forge new relationships, perhaps built on better (or more equitable) ground. It's really hard though, because I can see both sides, and I feel for all of them. Their mom has essentially broken her relationships with all three kids now, and only time is going to be able to repair them. It makes me sad, but as my dear friend was saying on her blog, sometimes the choices we make in life takes us to a point from which there is no return and life is irrevocably changed. It can be moved on from, it can be made different, but it will never be what it once was. This is one of those points for all of us.
Well, the girls are both up and wanting to chat, and we just decided we would go shopping for Brie's birthday--she needs some clothes that fit her (e.g. basketball shorts, a pair or two of maternity slacks, and some looser fitting tops). I also need a few things at JoAnn's because it's Employee Friend's and Family weekend--20% off through today--and I need some quilt batting, and a couple of cuts of fabric for Ms. Alexis' dresses.
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