It has been the weekend from hell around here again. Teen drama, egocentrism, thoughtless comments and words, arguements, indirect and direct anger, angst... I feel drained and have nothing left over right now. I have spread myself so thinly I don't even know where to start to try and regroup... I am going to be intentionally vague on some things, because they are not my things to share, yet they are impacting and negatively affecting the entire family and I am at a loss right now...
Drama: does it ever end? Everyone seems to think they are in the right, are the innocent victims of unfair directives ("finals are this week; do you have your study guides completed? your projects completed? have you reviewed/written/read up on whatever you need to be working on?"). We had one child stay home "ill" on friday to WRITE, from start, a 20 page english project that was assigned before winter break (and if we had known details of, could have made into a really fun and well-done project), but no, it was "almost done", "worked on", "just needs a little bit more on..." all the way til friday morning, and then we discover "oops, not even really started yet" and the writer was "ill" over it. It got haphazardly written, and was turned in a half hour after deadline, not as complete or detailed as it should have been, and now we are unsure (because it missed the 3pm deadline) if it will get any credit at all... Today a different child was "ill" (read nauseous) because "oops, I didn't complete any of my study guides because I was so stressed and tired and overwhelmed all weekend (and didn't do any homework)" and says if they aren't done it will blow whatever chances there might be of passing... So that child is home today and grounded from all activities until finals are done (other than church or other family sanctioned activities)...
Nerves are frayed, and everyone is slamming into everyone else's last exposed nerve, sometimes innocently, sometimes deliberately. Tempers are flaring, tears are flowing, and everyone is apparently the victim and not the aggressor ("s/he made me mad; s/he is at fault--how dare it be said..."). And entitlement: "can we use the car to run to A (and then go to B and C and D--but we have no money for gas--oh and by the way, could I have $5 for xyz... What do you mean no? You are soooooo unfair!"). And it isn't just here: the kids in Minneapolis are dealing with their own struggles and heartaches, and I am too far away to do more than listen and offer love and support. I feel so stressed out right now! Limits are being tested, and while we are holding firm to structure and limits, accountability, and love, it feels like Eric and I are just trying to contain a leaky dam with scotch tape... It is feeling bigger than both of us right now. The worst part is that it's felt like this for almost 2 weeks now. That's how long some of these tensions have been building (or in some cases, playing out). I am just so very tired of yelling, sarcasm, rudeness, dirty looks exchanged, brooding, provocative statements, and slamming doors. It makes me look back fondly at the days of unit shutdowns at the center, where kids were either in their rooms separately and doing constant writing assignments OR were in community meetings taking accountability for their actions/decisions/behaviors and making plans for improving community functioning. While some of those skills *might* be effective here, with it being only Eric and trying to mediate it, I doubt much would come out of them. We are not, after all, a locked unit here... God knows I have been dreaming of working at the treatment center again daily though, or of escapist things, like being on a houseboat and floating down the river... Eric held me as I cried last night, so drained and exhausted from everyone else's pain and stress. So much heartache going around, and so much of it related to making changes. I love the explanation of change occuring when "the pain of staying the same is WORSE than the pain of doing it differently:... So very true--but none-the-less very uncomfortable.
Added into the mix, I got a letter from the Department of Veteran's Affairs on Saturday that stated I was NOT selected for further consideration for their open positions, despite being highly qualified for them. My guess is I am too highly qualified, but it is only a guess. I am very glad I sent out a new resume for something else, and I will keep looking. I had been ambivalent about the position anyway: it would have been great to have a job, but I had concerns about the hours and the schedule with our family obligations and Eric's schedule too. I got my biopsy results back on Friday and they said things were "within normal ranges," so what difficulties I am having are related to "normal aging processes," and if it continues to be at issue there are things that can be done invasively to help manage it. If I follow in my mother's footsteps I have about 7 more years of this to deal with this; I guess I will take it month by month for now. I still have to follow up on the ovarian cyst in another month, then hopefully I'll be done with doctors til April, when I have to get my med levels rechecked (thyroid/cholesterol) and refills on my Rxs.
I did get the quilt pieces all cut out over the weekend, and my sewing machine is indeed repaired and sews like a dream. I ran out of white thread though, and have to run and get another couple of spools so I can finish sewing the blocks together. I am liking the colors and how it is coming together, although I still wish I were better at piecing. The points/intersections don't line up 100% the way I wanted them to, and despite careful cutting and piecing, it's not perfect. I see the flaws, although perhaps once it is all put together I will be satisfied. I used sewing as my escape this weekend but maybe I shouldn't have--my lack of focus (or hyperfocus) may have contributed a bit to it not turning out exactly as I would have liked... Or maybe I am being too self-critical. I dunno at this point. Eric got the muffler tacked up on the van so we will be taking it over to the shop later today near Scott; we stopped in Saturday and they gave us a rough estimate of around $200 to fix the exhaust, so we'll see... We really need another vehicle around here--two are not cutting it.
Thanks for bearing with me as I complain and vent. I know it will get better and we just have to keep constant, but right now it's just really hard.
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