Monday, April 6, 2009

I have the blahs today.

It's cold, grey, and gloomy outside and it's dark and depressing inside. No amount of lights turned on seem to diminish the gloom. I cannot seem to get it bright enoungh to suit me. It kinda fits my mood. Eric is working on finishing up our taxes for 2008 and I am sitting here for moral support. I am really feeling at loose ends today and am not sure what I need to do about it.

We didn't sleep well last night. We went to bed around 2 am because we were playing everquest and helping a guild mate to complete some trials towards his epic weapon battle; the cats were in hiding so I chose not to track them down and confine them to their lair. They started finding stuff to get into, and that kept me getting up and down trying to catch them to confine them. Then the door wouldn't stay latched and Pekeiko kept sneaking in to try to get to Rosie and Batman. Got her shut out. In the meantime, there was a full-sized personal tour bus parked across the street with it's diesel engine running all night right outside our bedroom window. That too interrupted sleep. And Brianne getting ready and leaving for work, the kids getting up and running in and out, Eric getting up with them, taking them to school (they missed the bus because of Rei not being ready), and then coming back to bed... I have a dull headache from to much interrupted sleep and not enough solid rest. Eric is planning to lay down again later this afternoon because he has to work tonight overnight, and I hope he gets some rest--at least I stayed in bed this morning,

I am still bummed about not going back to MN this week. I understand the reasons for it, and in my head I have come to terms with it, but my heart still is sore. I really need to see my family and I can't. Maybe I should have put in a formal request for the time off, but I didn't. I knew there was a risk I might end up on the schedule for it. But being so new, I was concerned that that might cause issues too. Eric is concerned because I am getting so few hours that it doesn't make it worth our while to have me driving the 35 miles round trip (gas etc. for so little pay). I see his point. I really enjoy being there when I am there, and I would like to work more. They just don't have the hours available right now, and I am near the bottom of the totem pole. I understand it, but don't necessarily like it. We really do need me to be working about 20 hours a week. This economy really stinks!

I am also bummed about the fact that I am not losing weight as I would like to. I have lost a total of 5 lbs since Feb. 1st, when I decided to really pay attention to things, including upping my activity levels. I keep see-sawing though with those 5 lbs. Gain 1 lose 2, lose 1 gain 2... I cannot seem to stay consistent, nor do I see steady progress. It's like my body is against me and is fighting me every step of the way. I have been trying so hard to stay positive, focus on taking baby steps, and just be patient, but I am discouraged. I had my hair and nails done on Thursday to try and feel better about myself, and it sorta worked, but in general I feel like I am not terribly successful on any front right now. Eric is being really supportive of me, and says I am fine as I am and that he loves me and thinks I am beautiful, but I don't feel beautiful right now. A big part of it is probably having too much time on my hands.

I really want to go to school. I want to finish my degree, and I want to be doing something in my field, something I know I am good at and that I know I am making a difference in. I want to feel productive, and valued, and valuable. I know what I do here at home is valued by Eric, and even by the kids to a certain degree. But I often feel taken for granted and that makes me sad. Some days I feel like I am talking to brick walls (referring to the kids and chores and helping with the pets). I miss my work and my old life sometimes. Going back to MN is helpful in that regard because it reminds me of how much things have changed and that I no longer have a place there. It makes me feel more centered here because it is a reality check for me.

Eric and I went out Saturday evening with some friends of ours, although I had to cut it short because of some "female" issues I was having. It was nice to be out with other grownups though in a social setting, and to just "be". I am grateful for those opportunities to have fun. I also really enjoyed having Tesa and Eric's mom here over the end of last week. It's so nice to have guests! I admit, I still have many moments where I just want to retreat to my bedroom and hide away up here, especially when the kids take over the main floor and loft. Even when they aren't home, I prefer to be in my bedroom for at least the morning because of how bright the sunshine generally is in here.

Wow, I am not the only one seeing things as feeling gloomy! Eric just turned on all the lighs in the bedroom, as well as totally opened the blinds to get as much "bright" in here as we can get. He is generally content to have it be dimmer than I am, so you know it's bad if he is lightening things up! I'm sorry for sounding like such a wet blanket today... Hopefully tomorrow will be better!

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