Saturday, November 7, 2009

Anticipation of a date can be a mixed blessing.

I have this thing with dates.  I remember almost everything related to milestone dates, and there are many dates that are "anniversaries of the heart" for me.  As they approach, I remember the events and feelings associated with them, and I ponder them and commemorate them in turn, depending on what they are.  Some dates as they approach I dread, because they were so hard, so painful, and even though they are long past, the ache of them remains and I don't know how to let that go.  

Today is one such date, because it is the day my dad died.  I am not going to turn this into an ode to him, or a long drawn out rememberance.  I just want to say that I loved him, that I miss him still, and that I am so grateful he was given the opportunity by God to be sure all his loose ends were tied off before he left us.  My dad's death is the middle of the trilogy of dates that make up my personal season of darkness.  They start with Carol the end of August, peak with my Dad the beginning of November, then culminate with Christmas day, which is when Jim walked out on the kids and I.  As the days then move towards spring, I feel myself lighten and breathe easier.  I am not sure why these dates hold such power over me!  They are all long passed, and I now have some happier moments which can replace these hurtful memories. Still, it is something almost totally visceral.  I feel it deep inside me as those days approach, even when I am not consciously remembering the dates...  They were major losses to me that changed the direction of my life irrevokably, but it confuses me as to why they still affect me so profoundly, given it is now 12 and 15 years after the fact.

Having said that, my goal is to have a good day today. I am taking the boys, and possibly Brie, to the bowling alley this morning; I am taking my school books with me as well (but leaving the laptop home--trying to write there didn't work so well); I will get some writing done when I get home and post what I can. Then it is time to go to work.  Eric will be sleeping the better part of the day (I hope anyway); and when I get home from work tonight I think I am going to cross stitch for a while, just to handle my fibers and threads for a bit.  The sun is shining, it's going to be in the low 70's, and I pray it will be a good day.

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